Unless, of course, the pirate is Jewish in which case it’s oy-vay Maria!
I went to a surprise party last night.
I was surprised they let me in.
As I have often said…
…I never repeat myself.
I used to be twins.
My mom has a picture of me when I was two.
How do you join the police?
Handcuff 'em together.
I’m reading a very unusual murder mystery.
It seems that the victim was shot by a man from another book.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Tried to grab a handful of fog — I mist.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners, but cats can.
What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
These days there are all kind of designer dogs : Yorkiepoos, Goldendoodles, Puggles. etc.
Growing up, we called them Mutts.
When you burp and fart at the same time…
It’s just your body taking a screenshot.
What did Elton John say when he saw a muscular rabbit?
It’s a little fit bunny…
What goes up and down so you can go in and out?
A garage door.
What do you call two spiders who get married?
Newly-webs.
Frog parking only — all others will be toad!
Don’t give up on your dreams; keep sleeping.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Went to the Air and Space Museum, but there was nothing there.
Dear God,
My favorite singer was Kris Kristofferson.
My favorite actor was John Amos.
My favorite baseball player was Pete Rose.
I have to tell you, Lord, my favorite president is Donald Trump.
Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in the universe. What happens when it is removed?
Gravy.
Who wants to buy a dead bird?
It’s not going cheep.
What was the name of the most boring Viking clan?
The Mundanes.
I went to look at new cars the other day, and I found a car that could fit a whole family without any problems.
Unfortunately my family has a lot of problems.
Two silkworms were in a race; it ended in a tie.
Psychic conference cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
Tradition is peer pressure from the dead.
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
Excellent.
Overheard on a bus : “Is that old guy listening to us ?”
He didn’t get your right foot wet, so as a lawyer only when I’m at a bar, I’d say you still lost the bet.
What do banana peels say on Halloween?
Trip or treat.
Who did the light bulb go as to the Halloween party?
The Flash.
What does a corn spider spin?
Cobwebs.
What lies on its back 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
Why are pumpkins afraid of heights?
They never make it past the fall.
Nobody is hungrier or thirstier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough.
Goth maize is called corn on the macabre.
I went bald but I still kept my comb — l just can’t part with it.
(Chuckle)
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take
- Alec Baldwin
My girlfriend is like the square root of negative one hundred:
She’s a perfect ten but imaginary.
I’ve never trusted lizards…
right from the gecko.
How does an elephant get down from a tree?
It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.
A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth.
99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.
One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kinds of hand held weaponry. The settlers took him in and after a while he finally felt safe.
One night, they heard loud groans start to surround the place. Zombies had broken in and after a few minutes had overrun the prison. The settlers did all they could but their weapons just weren’t up to the task and everyone was killed, apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who escaped as the last few were eaten alive.
Stumbling through the night, with zombies close behind in trail, Carl discovered a huge shopping mall. The settlers let him inside. They were armed to the teeth with a huge arsenal of Pistols, assault rifles, military grade weapons, the lot.
Carl warned them that there was a pack of zombies following him, but when they looked hundreds had gathered behind Carl and were now headed straight for the mall. The settlers fired every weapon they had at them, but wave after wave of zombies ploughed on through the wall of bullets and the settlers of the shopping mall were slaughtered. All apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who eluded death once again.
He ventured into a deep dark wood, stumbling over fallen foliage, with an Armageddon of zombies behind him, he ran into a huge wooden wall. As he got closer to the entrance, he saw a chicken dressed in military fatigues. The chicken scratched its feet on the floor, clucked three times and pecked on the huge wooden gates. They opened with an enormous “Creeeeek”. Inside was a farm, an old redneck farmer and his wife. “nice ta meet ya sonny”, said the farmer, “come on in ayn’ have ay drink”
Carl quickly warned them that there were hundreds of zombies chasing him, maybe even thousands by now, but they didn’t seem bothered at all. “Shouldn’t we do something? Haven’t you even got any weapons at all” Carl shouted…
“Naw, we won’t need em”, said the farmer
“The chick’n will deal with em” said his wife, calmly.
Carl was anxious, but he was fed up of running and wanted to see what this chicken could do, so he watched in anticipation…
The Zombies approached, and one by one the chicken took them down. It pecked through their zombie brains, scratched off their heads and kicked the living dead crap out of thousands of them.
Amazed, Carl said, “I’ve just seen that group of zombies tear through two settlements, both armed to the teeth with an incredible arsenal of weapons, and your chicken has just taken all of them all out single handed, how? how did that just happen!?”
“Well”, said the farmer, “we figured it out a long long time ago. We don’t need any weapon’s at all, for the Hen is mightier than the Horde.”
Son: “Dan, I got suspended from math class today.”
Dad: “Why? What happened?”
Son: "I said I’d do the algebra. I’d do the trigonometry, I’d even do statistics; but but graphing is where I draw the line!"
My therapist said to write letters to people I hate and then burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
My wife apologized to me the other day.
She said she was sorry for ever marrying me.
Two scantily clad potatoes are hanging out under a streetlight at night in the bad part of town. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
She’s the one with the sticker that says “Idaho.”
The government came to an agreement about the population in prison.
It was a consensus of the con census.
Where do the Borg grab a quick bite?
Borger King. Where you have it their way.
I went to an Autopsy Club meeting last week. It was Open Mike Night.
When a City University of New York doctoral candidate passes his Latin and Greek exams,
does that make him a CUNY linguist?
There’s a new cereal for people in a hurry:
Post Haste.
Myron had gotten food poisoning from Greek cheese in the past,
but this time he complained it was a Feta worse than death.
My wife really likes to make pottery,
but to me it’s just kiln time.
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One is a salted.
Fun fact about hurricanes…
If it’s not from the Hurricagne region of France it’s just a sparkling tropical system.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do you call a head of lettuce that’s religious?
A romaine Catholic.
What do you call a rotten coconut?
A coconot.
A leprechaun walked into a bar.
I’m guessing it wasn’t set very high.