More Jokes

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”


The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.

Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate, John!


What do you call a scary cake that keeps coming back?

A boo meringue.


Why do chickens only make one sound?

They can’t think outside the bawks!


What’s your least favorite race?

Mine’s a 5K.

I don’t get it (the 5K one)

I assumed “race” to mean racial identity, not a sport race. I think?

Ah! Got it.

I just had to do the math on this one…5000 / 312-- that assumes working 6 days a week (never on a Sunday!), no weeks off all year-- averages 16 a day. That is one hard-working chicken farmer!

A priest visits his long time friend the Monsignor, pastor of his parish. They’re having dinner together, and the visitor remarks to his host, “You certainly had good fortune being assigned to this parish. Look at the beautiful house you live in, the amazing grounds. The altar pieces in your church is magnificent, the chalice is the finest I’ve ever seen. Your cook is unbelievably talented. And your housekeeper must be one of the most beautiful women ever created by God. You’re truly blessed.”
The host replies, “These are all just vanities. I would be just as blessed if I lived in a small house with no one to cook or care for me, and the plainest of altar pieces. And my housekeeper’s appearance means nothing to me. Her beauty is within.”
“Oh come on. We may be priests, but we are also human. You’ve never been tempted having a beautiful woman living in your house?”
“Not at all. She is a pious woman who loves God, the most we do together is pray.”
The priest returns home that night. A few days later he receives a letter.
“My dear friend, it was wonderful to see you in your recent visit. Unfortunately, after you left I found that the chalice you so admired was missing. I searched the entire church and rectory, but it could not be found. Now I’m not saying you took the chalice, I’m only saying it’s disappearance coincided with your visit.”
A few days after that, the Monsignor receives a letter in reply.
“My dear friend, I did enjoy visiting you and thank you again for being such a gracious host. I’m sorry to hear that you could not find that magnificent chalice. Now I’m not saying that you’re sleeping with your housekeeper, I’m only saying that if you were sleeping in your own bed you would have found it.”

What’s the difference between a Jewish pessimist and a Jewish optimist?

A Jewish pessimist says, “Things are as bad as they can be.”

A Jewish optimist says “Things can always get worse!”


I always turn a positive into a negative.

Some say I have the minus touch.


We haven’t found a solution for climate change yet, but…

…we’re definitely getting warmer.


An old lady sells cabbages on the streets for 2 dollars each.

Every day a man comes to her, gives her 2 dollars, but doesn’t take a cabbage. This continues for months. One day that man handed 2 dollars to the woman, but she refused. A man asked:

So, you must be wondering why am I giving you 2 dollars each day, but don’t take any of the cabbages.
No, I don’t really care, I just wanted to say that cabbages now cost 3 dollars each.


If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That’s pretty humerus.

Thank you for running the numbers; I’ll admit I was curious.

Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.

  • Bob Monkhouse

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

  • Winnie The Pooh

Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

  • Milton Berle

A woman’s dress should be a like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.

  • Sophia Loren

Silence is golden; duct tape is silver.

A fellow who stuttered under stress found himself in paratrooper training. The instructor was VERY clear that they were only to pull the ripcord after counting to ten.

They jumped. The trainee in question never opened his parachute, and plummeted to his death.

The Army opened an investigation into the incident. The chief Investigative officer convened a panel, and called Private Jenkins to testify.

“Jenkins, you were beside Johnson until you pulled your ripcord. What was the last thing you heard him say?”

“T-t-t-t-two.”

They laughed when I said I was going to become a comedian - they’re not laughing now!

  • also Bob Monkhouse

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says, "You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential! "


The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked
them why they were late. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus
but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found afarm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A tenth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the G.I., “but there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”


An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
“So, what is it?”, grumbled the governor.
“Judge Garber has just died”, said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”
Replied the governor: “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the undertaker”.


A teacher fell asleep in class and a little boy walked up to him.

Little boy: “Teacher, are you sleeping in class?”
Teacher: “No, I am not sleeping in class.”
Little boy: “What were you doing, sir?”
Teacher: “I was talking to God.”
The next day the boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him.
Teacher: “Young man, you are sleeping in my class.”
Little boy: “No, not me sir, I am not sleeping.”
Angry teacher: “What were you doing?”
Little boy: “I was talking to God.”
Angry teacher: “What did he say?”
Little boy: “God said he never spoke to you yesterday.”


A man is sitting at home on the veranda having drinks with his wife and he says, “I love you”.

She asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me… talking to the beer.”

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a suspect on the road toward Georgia.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, “Hey, sarge, why did you stop?”

The sarge replied, “He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”


A man in an interview is asked: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

He replies: “I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.”


My roommate says our house is haunted…

…but I’ve lived here for over 300 years and I haven’t noticed anything weird.


A naked man ran out into the freezing cold, covered only with live chickens.

He was smart; he dressed in layers.


One of the wards in the hospital played Scottish music and nothing else.

It was the Burns unit.

“About the same time, the mom held a napkin to her face to hide her expression.”

A good percentage of my friends are murderers.

It’s 0. That’s a good percentage.


A day’s comin’ up soon. It’s Samhain.

The Irish pronounce it Sow-en.
The Welsh pronounce it Sow-een.
The Scottish pronounce it Sav-en.
The Americans pronounce it Pumpkin Spice.


I say, I say, my favorite chicken restaurant has closed and been replaced by a burger joint.

Ah well, that was hen, this is cow.


Scammers in the Walmart parking lot

Be careful out there people! There are these scammers over at the Walmart parking lot. Two beautiful young thinly dressed ladies in their twenties come up to single men and ask for help. They lead him back to their car which turns out to be a van. They entice him inside and one of the girls takes off her top and starts dancing and groping the man and while he is distracted the other girl steals his wallet. I fell for this scam on Wednesday, Thursday, again on Saturday and twice on Sunday.

So watch out folks! It’s scary out there.


Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?

He kept getting nailed against the boards.

and on a totally not related note, Walmart sell as much wallets as you want for only 8$ each…

I was working the morning breakfast shift at a cafe when a young woman and her son came in.

“So what will it be?”

Child: “I wish to devour the unborn.”

(Sudden silence as the other patrons stop and stare. The mother looks very embarrassed.)

Mother: “Eggs…He would like some eggs…”

There once was a man from West Cutter
Who suffered a terrible stutter
At breakfast he said
Pass the b-b-b-bread
And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butter

Is it possible to stutter in sign language?

Yes, it’s called Parkinson’s.


How do you spot a leopard?

You don’t, they come that way.


Invisible calendars…

… that’s something you don’t see every day.


Why did the Human Torch’s legs start swelling?

Because they were inflamed.


No one ever explained to me what a simile was.

I can’t tell you what that was like.