Why shouldn’t you eat ghosts?
Because they taste like sheet.
I still don’t get it. Caucasian, African, Asian, South Asian, Australian Indignous, Hispanic… Five Kay? Five Thousand?
kayaker got it. The joker is asking “What’s your bigotry?” and the answer was from a runner, not a Klansman.
Since the joker was talking to a runner, and presumably knew he was a runner, I don’t see how a reader could assume the joker was asking about a biological race. *shrug*
Why shouldn’t you eat clowns?
Because that would be cannibalism.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
- Emo Phillips
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
- Will Rogers
I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.
- Shaquille O’Neal
Assuming facts most definitely not in evidence.
Eh. It’s just a joke.
At the confession booth:
Me: “I committed all 7 deadly sins in just an hour.”
Priest: “Tell me my son, how was that done?”
Me: “I was angry at and jealous of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share.”
Priest: “You forgot pride.”
Me: “No, I’m pretty proud of that.”
If the king sleeps on a king-sized bed, and the queen sleeps in a queen-sized bed, where does the prince sleep?
An heir mattress.
I’m looking forward to Musk getting into trouble for election interference and trying to cover it up.
The Saga will be called Elongate. It won’t be over quickly.
1st place wins gold medal, 2nd place wins silver medal, 3rd place wins bronze medal, 4th place wins great math skills.
Go fourth and multiply!
Appeal to authority isn’t an an actual logical fallacy.
I should know, after all, I have a PhD in Logic.
I wrote a comedy set that’s about seafood.
It’s my fish schtick.
I say, I say, what do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultrygeist!
Yesterday I went swimming with my banker.
Today - I was able to float alone.
My pal’s girlfriend is a strong swimmer.
She was a streetwalker in Venice.
When Britain left the EU how much space was freed up?
1 GB.
A man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves.
Police officer: What’s with the blood?
Driver: I hit a lawyer.
Police officer: That explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first.
I just found out Canada isn’t real.
It was only maple leaf.
What do you call a camel that looks the same walking forward as it does walking backward?
A palindromedary.
What would RoboCop be called if he was a Transformer?
Stoptimus Crime.
I’ve been coughing and sneezing all day and now I can’t stop singing old Frank Sinatra songs.
I think I’ve got crooner virus.
Two women walk into a bar…
…and talk about the Bechdel Test.
On the other hand…
…I have four fingers and a thumb.
What type of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid. Wokka, wokka!
Two widows were in the lounge of the Seniors’ Center.
‘Well,’ said Alberta, ‘Margaret has just cremated her third husband.’
‘Yeah, that’s the way it goes,’ replied Simone. ‘Some of us can’t find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!’
You should consult my doctor.
You won’t live to regret it.
Ha! I’ll tell that one to my Political Geography students tomorrow.
A guy rturns to his hometown after many years.
‘So how are things?’ he asks.
‘It’s horrible,’ replied an old friend. ‘We buried Charlie Smith last week.’
‘Oh, my God,’ exclaimed the man. ‘Charlie Smith is dead?’
‘No, he didn’t die,’ replied the friend. 'We just buried him. That’s what’s so horrible.
I’ve given up playing poker at the laundromat.
I keep having to fold.
A young, attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, “Major, when was the last time you had sex?”
“1956,” was his reply.
“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!”
“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch, ”It’s only 2014 now.”
What do you call ghost boobies?
Paranormal entitties.
Did you hear about the carpenter that had to go to the dentist?
He couldn’t stop biting his nails.
My neighbor called to complain that my dog was chasing people on a bike.
That’s ridiculous, my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
That reminds me of the so-called hockey team I have always referred to as the Make Believes.
Salvador Dali went into a New York bookstore one day and asked for a copy of his Secret Life of Salvador Dali.
The young clerk, instantly recognizing his distinguished customer, fetched the book and began to wrap it up.
“Have you read it?” asked the artist.
“No, I’m afraid not,” replied the young man, handing over the package.
“Take it,” said Dali magnanimously, pushing the book back across the counter.
“It is my gift to you. Would you like me to autograph it for you?”
The clerk eagerly tore open the package and handed the artist a pen.
Only after Dali had left the store did the young man, gazing at the treasured autograph, realize that the artist had omitted one important detail. He had neglected to pay for the book.
As he was driving back to his mansion, Pick-fair, Douglas Fairbanks saw an Englishman of aristocratic mien and familiar face trudging along the road in the heat.
He stopped to offer him a ride, which the stranger accepted. Still unable to remember the
man’s name, Fairbanks invited him for a drink, and in the course of conversation
attempted to elicit some clues as to his visitor’s identity.
The Englishman seemed to know many of Fairbanks’s friends and was evidently well acquainted with the estate, for he made approving comments on some recent changes. Eventually Fairbanks managed a whispered aside to his secretary, who had just entered the
room. “Who’s this Englishman? I know he’s Lord Somebody, but I just can’t
remember his name.”
“That,” replied the secretary, “is the English butler you fired last month for getting drunk.”
Oscar Hammerstein’s wife, Dorothy, was always ready to speak out for her husband when she felt that he was being pushed out of the limelight by one of his collaborators.
Whenever somebody referred to Jerome Kern’s “Ol’ Man River,” Dorothy would
immediately retort, “Oscar Hammerstein wrote ‘Ol’ Man River.’
Jerome Kern wrote ‘Ta-ta dumdum, ta ta-ta dumdum.’ ”
Senator Joseph McCarthy stalked out of a congressional committee room in a rage, to be met by a bevy of reporters who asked him to comment upon a shocking allegation that had just been made.
“Why, it’s the most unheard-of thing I’ve ever heard of,” McCarthy exploded.
Ignace Paderewski attended the 1919 Paris Peace Conference as the new premier of Poland.
The French premier, Georges Clemenceau, was introduced to the great musician. “Are you a cousin of the famous pianist Paderewski?” he asked mischievously.
“I am the famous pianist,” replied Paderewski.
“And you have become prime minister?” exclaimed Clemenceau. “What a comedown!”
But, if he were so inclined, the clerk could now sell an autographed copy at a higher price point. Yay capitalism!
Yeah, buy the book at the earlier lower price and resell at the autographed price.