They sure did!
Why did the Republican cross the (splat!)
(credit to Ignatz)
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
Does anybody need an ark?
I Noah guy.
The furniture store keeps calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
A young man went to his girlfriend’s father and told him: “I’ve come to tell you that i intend to marry your daughter”.
Father: “Really? How much do you earn?”
Young man: “2000 dollars a month”
Father: “That’s not even enough for toilet paper.”
The young man went to see his girlfriend and she asked him: “So, what did my father tell you?”
Young man: “He told me you shit too much.”
A man caught a goldfish and as always…
“Let me go and I will grant you a wish” said the goldfish.
“But I don’t need anything. I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars, a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money… I only fish for pleasure” he says.
“Come on, please, let me go, I’ll fulfill any wish”.
“Well, ok” says the guy “From now on I wish that my dear wife and I always have an orgasm together” and releases the fish.
“Voila, granted” says the little fish.
The man picked up his fishing equipment, put it in the car and happily drove home….
On the way home he came twice.
Does anyone want a free Lamborghini? If so contact me ASAP!
That way, we can get together and talk about how we both want a free Lamborghini…it’s nice to have common interests with people.
Tequila can’t solve all your problems.
But it’s worth a shot.
What is the difference between a muscular prostate doctor and a weatherman?
One is a meaty urologist…
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.
The cop says “You were doing 55 in a 35.” Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts “Great! Now I’m lost!”
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”
“We do now, asshole!” shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
I love physics jokes!
and chemistry jokes.
Three guys - a German, a Japanese and a Mexican are taking a steam. They’re sitting there naked when something goes beep, beep. The German says Excuse me, I need to answer this, presses an area on his forearm numerous times and explains German tech is so advanced that he can text via a chip in his arm. Moments later, a phone rings and the Japanese “answers” his hand and completes a call, explaining that Japanese tech is so advanced that a chip in his hand allows him to make and receive phone messages. The Mexican feels bad, as his country has no fancy tech to speak of. He goes to the men’s room and on his way back discovers he has some toilet paper stuck to his butt. Before the other two can say anything, he says I’m sorry, I think I just got a fax. - Salma Hayek
What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
Look at the orange mama laid!
What did the mouse say when it saw a bat?
“Look, mom: an angel!”
Did you know that when Gandalf returned from from his fight with the Balrog, he was undead? That’s why he was called Gandalf the Wight.
“We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.”
A guy says, “I hate Jews,” and I said, “Why?” He goes, “Because they killed my God.” They believe that. If I believed that the Jews killed my God, I’d worship the Jews, 'cause shit, there’s some badasses on that team, man.
My last henchman failed me terribly. We all ate well that night. Filet minion.
Reincarnation : Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.
Why did the pregnant dog leave the park?
She saw a No Littering sign.
In the 1800s, Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., arrived at a patient’s house one day to find a priest departing.
“Your patient is very ill,” said the priest. “He’s going to die.”
“Yes,” Dr. Holmes nodded, “and he’s going to Hell.”
The priest was horrified. “You mustn’t say such things! I’ve just given him extreme unction!”
Holmes shrugged. “Well, since you expressed a medical opinion, I had just as much right to a theological one.”
I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
I say, I say, I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician…
…oh, and I have a Czech one too, Czech one too, Czech one too.
The Mexican magician concluded his performance by waving his magic wand and counting, “Uno,… Dos,…” and then there was a puff of smoke…
…and he vanished without a “Tres”.
Not looking forward to Project 2025.
Where’s a book ban when you really need one?
A neurotic builds castles in the air.
A psychotic lives in them.
A psychiatrist collects the rent.
President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.
Solid, liquid and gas.
I used to think Biden was pronounced bye-don. I was wrong.
Q: What is Santa’s favorite pizza?
A: One that’s deep-pan, crisp, and even.
Hear about the New Age church in California?
It has three commandments and seven suggestions.
Gambling is…
…a sure way to get nothing for something.
- Nick the Greek
A man in love is incomplete until he has married.
Then he’s finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A study of economics…
…usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
- Marty Allen
I need some help with this one.
mmm
Good King Wenceslas.
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
I eat my peas with honey
I’ve done so all my life
I know it does taste funny
But it keeps them on the knife
“This poem was recited on the February 2, 1944 broadcast of the radio program “It Pays to Be Ignorant.” According to the Estate of Shel Silverstein and the archivists who oversee his literary works and manuscripts, Shel Silverstein did not write this poem.”
Some sources say Ogden Nash was the originator. The third line varies slightly, but always ends with “funny”
How many people under a certain age would know about eating peas off a knife? I’ve never seen it done and I’m 64. And I hate peas! 