Why did the donkey centaur stare at people’s butts?
He was an ass man.
Many people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Accept who you are, unless you’re really a serial killer.
- Ellen DeGeneres
What we learn from history is that we don’t learn from history.
- Warren Buffet
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for the coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
Forty is the old age of youth. Fifty is the youth of old age.
- Victor Hugo
Mjolner: Thor’s Hammer, Freyja’s Dildo.
Give a hobbit a fish and he eats fish for a day.
Give a hobbit a Ring and he eats fish for an Age.
“You’ll never be quite the same again after that Bible you’ve been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living shit out of you.”
“Motion-tracking turrets!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!”
The little girl who screamed for a pony finally got a little hoarse.
My daughter wants a pony for Christmas.
Usually we have ham. This’ll be something new.
The Vatican has just announced the saint in charge of adding people to e-mails.
St. Francis of a CC.
Tyson v Paul
Netflix was a terrible idea. If it had been on Amazon, Fake Paul could say he fought Tyson in his Prime.
How did the witch form her group into a circle?
She set the coven to 360 degrees.
It has been suggested that I try to monetize my jokes.
So from now on, they’ll all have water lilies on a pond.
I was just about to ask for assistance with this one when a lightbulb literally appeared over my head.
mmm
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Funf!
A little help here?
Monet-ize.
Thanks!
Haven’t been to church for awhile?
Parish the thought.
Hymns:
The Meteorologist’s - There Shall Be Showers Of Blessing
The Optometrist’s - Open My Eyes That I May See
The Golfer’s - There Is a Green Hill Far Away
The Dentist’s - Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Sunday School teacher asked Susan why she drew Jesus on horseback.
“He’s giving the Sermon on the Mount.”
“I’m a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle, here is my…other handle??? Aww…bloody hell, I’m a fucking sugar bowl…”
“Anyone who wants to take my porn is gonna have to pry it from my warm, sticky fingers!”
*Girl walks up to Borg in a bar*
Girl: "Hey, you're kinda cute."
Borg: "Appearance is irrelevant."
Girl: "Yeah, I know how you feel. It's great to find a guy who isn't
shallow. I mean, as long as you're happy, right?"
Borg: "Happiness is irrelevant."
Girl: "Wow, you're deep! Like, all philosophical!"
Borg: "Philosophy is irrelevant."
Girl: "Wanna go back to my place and...you know..."
Borg: "Sex is....is...um, I mean, yeah let's go."
I’ve been banned from cruise ships after that little poop deck misunderstanding.
You ok @Prof.Pepperwinkle ? No jokes (or any other posts) for 6 days - that’s unlike you !
Hmmm…also hoping all is well with the Prof.
In the meantime…
My professor told me I am failing my ethics class.
So I slipped him a $20 bill and said, “now how am I doing?”
mmm
Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Yeah, I’m home now. I’ve been in the hospital for almost a week. I was recently diagnosed with diabetes and put on medicine I had a strong reaction to.
I should be back on the SDMB in a couple of days, when I’ve recuperated a bit.
Thanks for the kind concerns! 
Get well soon Prof. I haven’t been able to make my City of Heroes Hamidon league chat groan from your jokes in a while.
We have to close the curtain between the kitchen and the laundry room, since I keep my cast-iron frying pans in the oven. Even toast will set the alarm off, and it’s not even burnt!
No more treacle tarts for you! Take care.