@Prof.Pepperwinkle : I apologise. I did not intend to make light of your condition. Be well, and take care.
Sorry to hear about your health problems. I hope you have it under control now and that you can keep it that way.
Picard: I’m having trouble with this crossword. The clue is “overworked mailman”.
Riker: How many letters?
Picard: I’m guessing, too many.
Did you hear the one about the unstamped letter?
You wouldn’t get it.
“Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
And a big bag of money.
“When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.”
A rabbit walks into a butchers and goes: “Got any carrots?” The butcher says, “Sorry fur ball, we only sell meat. No carrots.” The rabbit leaves.
The next day, the rabbit returns. “Got any carrots?”
“No, I told you, we only sell meat. NO CARROTS!” The rabbit leaves.
Next day, the rabbit returns. “Got any carrots?”
“NO! AND IF I SEE YOU AGAIN I’LL NAIL YOUR EARS TO THE FLOOR! GOT IT?” The rabbit, not even blinking, shrugs and leaves.
The next day, lo and behold, the rabbit returns. “Got any nails?”
“Ehhh…no”, says the butcher.
“Great”, says the rabbit. “Then got any carrots?”
Human (smirking): “Hey elf, you look like a girl.”
Elf: “To a human, everything must look like a girl.”
Human: “What?”
Elf: “Half-orcs, half-ogres…”
Human: “… shut up.”
Dwarf: “Half-dragons, half-kobolds.”
Human: “I said shut up!”
Elf: …
Dwarf: …
Human: …
Elf: “Centaurs.”
Excellent ! Get well soon.
Legally, you’re only allowed to call “shitposting” if it comes from the toilet region of your bathroom. Otherwise, it’s just sparkling stupidity.
Perhaps a bit dark so:
Mafia? LBJ? the Generals? CIA? French hitmen? the sad sack Lee Harvey?
one thing for sure…11/22/63 was the day John Kennedy got it thru his head that some people in Dallas did not like him.
People who live in glass slippers shouldn’t get stoned.
Get well soon, Prof.P!
Why are they throwing rocks at the shorebird?
They wish to see no tern unstoned
Why were the sunbathers lying face down?
They wish to see no stern untoned
With the Prof. on the mend, here’s a few groaners to take up the slack.
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said “beautiful shirt“. At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender. “Say what?” “You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“
George W Bush was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office when an aide came in.
“Sir, here is today’s list of casualties from the coalition in Iraq. I’m sorry to say that we lost a Brazilian.
Bush dropped his head into his hands. “Oh no…oh no…oh no…”
The aide felt bad. He had never seen him so distraught. “Sir, is there anything that I can do for you?”
Bush looked up and asked with pain visible in his eyes. “Yes…just tell me…how many is a Brazilian?”
There’s this guy, Dave who absolutely hates going to the doctor. Luckily for him, his brother Henry is a veterinarian. So anytime Dave is sick, he tells Henry and Henry will say “look I’m not a doctor but here is what I would do and the medicines I would take”. One day Dave breaks his leg so he calls up his brother and tells Henry he broke his leg. Henry is quiet for a bit and then says “Dave, I’ve got bad news”.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and out pops a genie who grants them three wishes. The first dinosaur asks for a big hunk of meat. The second dinosaur, looking to one-up the first, asks for a shower of meat. Not to be outdone, the third dinosaur asks for a meatier shower.
If you or anyone you know have no friends or family and are going to be alone this Thanksgiving, please reach out to me.
I need to borrow some chairs.
mmm
In honor of the holiday, I scoured the internet looking for Thanksgiving-themed jokes, and man oh man are there a lot of awful, awful T-day themed groaners out there. Here are 3 I found that I’m only somewhat embarrassed to post:
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Drumsticks for everyone!
What kind of turkey requires ID to purchase?
Wild Turkey.
What did the turkey say when he bumped into the President?
Pardon me.
ETA: I thought of a(n arguably) better joke using one of the previous punchlines:
“Look, Uncle Ned is passed out on the couch. He must have had too much turkey.”
“Yeah…Wild Turkey.”
Why did the three Southern Wise Men arrive carrying hoses and axes?
Because they came from afar.
“If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark that throws up so many people they have to open a beach.”
I bought a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said “remove cap. Push up bottom.”
I can barely walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely.
I told my doctor about my memory loss; he demanded I pay in advance.
Doctor: I had to remove your colon.
Me why?
