“Anthropomorphization is a demon we must fight every day.”
“The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.” - Mark Twain
“Why do dogs lick their balls?”
“Because they can and they know you’re watching.”
“The Borg wouldn’t know fun if they assimilated an amusement park.”
“You know, a lot of people don’t realize that Argentina is actually pretty cold.”
“In fact, it borders on Chile.”
“She may be your friend, and she may be a girl, but your mother does not count as a ‘girlfriend’.”
“Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.”
“Do not meddle in the affairs of insomniacs, for they are cranky and can do things to you while you sleep.”
I pulled a nose hair yesterday just to see if it hurt.
Judging by my wife’s reaction when she woke up, it looked pretty painful.
Paramedics said he didn’t suffer - it was instant.
Me: Because…today is Black Fry Day.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
I heard it was the bomb.
What did I miss? What did I miss?
I’ve been a week away on a hospital stay
And I didn’t even get a kiss
My hemoglobins are low, so they wouldn’t let me go
But now just tell me this
What did I miss?
Thanks to everyone for the kind thoughts and wishes.
“If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten once. It takes four minutes to get hard, and only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn’t that bad!”
“I stopped trying to drown my sorrows years ago when I learned that all sorrows can float, several can tread water, some can swim, and a few can perform CPR on their fellow sorrows.”
God shouldn’t have told Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge.
He should have told them not to eat talking snakes.
Welcome home, Professor!
Welcome home, Prof.!
(from someone who spent Thanksgiving evening in the hospital ER)
mmm
Turkey and dressing:
Prof P is back! Yay!
In all seriousness, one of my best honors students asked me a couple of weeks ago what nuclear weapons are, because it was relevant for what she was doing for Model UN. She knew that there was something called that, and that people seemed to be afraid of them, but literally knew nothing else about them (one of the questions she asked was if all military weapons were nuclear).
I cry. 
This reminds me of a friend who was dating a ‘surfer girl’ in the late-'80s. He said something about the Vietnam War (he was in jr. high at the end of it) and she said, ‘That’s the one Hitler was in, right?’
How did you know when it was bedtime at the Michael Jackson estate?
The big hand was on the little hand.
Gluing teeth to my boomerang was a bad idea - I knew it would come back to bite me.
“I’m a sensitive guy, baby, I can cry. I’ll prove it, let me pluck out one of my nose hairs!”
Welcome back, Prof!
And MMM, if you had to spend Thanksgiving evening in the ER, you might want to find a better Thanksgiving dinner cook!
Umm, I was the cook. 
I had a hunk of turkey lodged in my esophagus.
mmm
Another valid reason to add to my list for why I avoid turkey!
Oh, so sorry to hear it, MMM*! Hope you recover quicker’n me.
Only one, but it takes the whole emergency room to get it out.
Cam-moo.
I decided to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the software gave me a
choice of accessories available for my plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I chose the AM/FM radio.
The program responded with a message box stating: “Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes.”
Mindy: Why not get a cure from the doctor?
Madge: Are you kidding? It’s the only time he talks to me.
Jill: Have you thought about divorcing Steve?
Sue: Why? I’m not married to Steve!
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, “Sorry, kid, but baggers can’t be juicers.”
And chiggers can’t be boozers.