A man knocks on a farmhouse door. A young boy answers.
“Hi, I’m your neighbor from a mile or two down the road. Is your Pa home?”
“Nope.”
“How about your Ma?”
“Nope.”
“Is your older brother home?”
“Nope, he’s out too. Anything I can help you with?”
“Well, it seems that your brother has gotten our daughter pregnant.”
“OK, well, Pa charges $500 for the bull and $100 for the pig. I don’t know what Pa charges for my brother-- you’ll have to ask him.”
Hospice?!?
What, you can’t be crazy in a hospice?
The Amish Flu is going around. First you get a little hoarse, then a little buggy…
Twenty years later, all I can remember is “Comment allez-vous?”.
“No, John”, replied the lord. “I was at the doctor getting a hearing aid.”
But it’s Trudeau.
Luke warm.
The translator quickly renders his four paragraph joke into one sentence and they all howl with laughter.
Carter asks him how he managed to do that, curious as to how efficient Japanese is.
The translator replied: “I told the audience: ‘President Carter has told a very funny joke that doesn’t translate into Japanese, to avoid embarrassing him please laugh now.’”
All right, then, I’ll have it sent on ahead.
…they just gag a little.
…when she was a cocoon.
…and he’s only 15 years old.
Chessmen.
A precocious young appreciator of art with a taste for absurdist postmodernism! I’m impressed. You should be proud.
This one, I’m not getting …
I’m not saying you’re old, but…
mmm
(one of these I wrote myself)
Kids say “Dada” typically when they’re much younger, like 6 months to a year.
I do remember when my family got its first wheels. 1953, I was nearly 17.
The next time your wife gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders like a cape and say,
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY!”
Maybe she’ll laugh?
Maybe you’ll die?
Are you my mother?
“It’s okay,” said the tiger, “I’m over 21.”
“Give me a push, my battery’s dead.”
“He must’ve been a great shooter.”
“No, he was a great crapshooter.”
…but my wife won’t let me.
…which inevitably leads to this:
A joke that one of my co-workers used to tell:
I shot down twelve Messerschmitts during the War
That’s why I was thrown out of the Luftwaffe.
Evidently English grammar as well.
Emerging again hastily, he is reported to have said, “Nobody knows the Traubel I’ve seen.”
When all were at a beach, with the waves curling in perfectly, a surfboard was suddenly thrust into his hand, and he was told, “Show us, Joe. Show us what you can do with a surfboard.”
Joe did not hesitate. He took the board, marched toward the water line, but then stopped ten feet short of the highest reach of the waves. Holding his surfboard vertically beside him, he stood as though graven in stone.
His companions finally lost patience. “Come on, Joe,” they yelled,
“get into the water.” “I don’t have to,” he yelled back.
“Why not?”
And Joe shouted, “Because they also surf who only stand and wait.”
“Died?” said Mrs. Robinson, shocked.
“DiedI” repeated Mrs. Smith with emphasis. “Broke his glasses, too.
Once, getting out of a hackney cab, he included with the fee an exceedingly modest tip.
The driver touched his hat and said, “You know, Mr. Rothschild, your daughter Julie gives me a much larger tip than that.”
And Nathan growled, “That’s all right for her. She’s got a rich father.”
Moses turned to his opponent and said, “Aw, come on, Pete, not when we’re playing for money.”
The above jokes are all from Asimov’s A Treasury of Humor.
The punchline is “…who only stand and wade”, dammit.
What’s wrong with that sentence? Are you suggesting it should have said ‘…were a total waste of time’?
I think either is correct-- ‘three years of high school Spanish’ can be considered one individual unit of learning, I’d say.
English grammar pedantry over; please return to your regularly scheduled jokes.