Shouldn’t that be the Londonderry air?
You got it, Danny Boy.
Then there’s the London derriere …
He lives on Downing Street.
I say, are you calling our PM an arse ?!
A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the blonde tour guide: “How old is this dinosaur skeleton?”
She replies: “It is sixty-five million and fourteen years and three months old.”
“Wow! It’s amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?”
“I don’t know” says the guide. “But when I first came here they told me it was sixty-five million years old. And I started here fourteen years and three months ago.”
My wife is already thinking ahead and asked me where I was taking her for Valentine’s Day.
Apparently “from behind” was not the correct answer.
You know some people are like Slinkies.
They’re not much use for anything, but if you push them down the stairs they can bring a smile to your face.
Mrs. Jones, reduced to tears in the course of a family argument, said to her husband,
“You brute! How can you treat me so cruelly after I have given you the best years of my life?”
And Mr. Jones replied, “Good heavens! Were those your best years?”
A young lady was eating lunch alone at a restaurant and couldn’t help overhearing a discussion among the four men at a neighboring table.
Said the first man, “Just spell it the simplest possible way — W-O-O-M.”
“There’s a B in it, you dope,” said the second. “It’s spelled W-O-O-M-B.”
“You don’t have enough letters,” objected the third. “I think it ought to be spelled W-O-O-O-M-M-B.”
“Nonsense,” said the fourth. “It’s ridiculous to put in all those letters. Besides, there’s a final R. It’s W-O-M-B-R-R.”
The young lady could stand it no more. Having finished her meal, she
approached the other table and said, “Gentlemen, if you’ll consult the dictionary, you’ll find that the word is spelled W-O-M-B. That’s all.” And she walked away.
The men gazed after her with astonishment.
“Do you suppose she’s right?” asked one.
“How can she be?” said a second. “A slip of a girl like that! I’m sure that never in her whole life has she heard an elephant fart!”
Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife,
“You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.”
“Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. ‘“What is that?”
“Back to back”
“But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.”
“Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”
Mr. Jones, reduced to tears in the course of a family argument, said to his wife,
“You bitch! How can you treat me so cruelly after I have given you the best years of my life?”
And Mrs. Jones replied, “Good heavens! Were those your best years?”
So funny, it had to be posted twice? 
ISWTheyDT.
You did notice the gender reversal?
I did not! You got me.
Picard: “The Beastie Boys are releasing a five part anthology.”
Riker: “Really?”
Picard: “Parts A thru D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.”
I found a $20 bill in the parking lot yesterday. I thought to myself, what would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.
Did you turn into a liquor store first?
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”
I googled “How to start a wildfire”…
I got 48,500 matches.
I bumped into an old school friend today…
He said “Life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!”
I said “That’s nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!”
Why was the little ink drop crying?
His mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long the sentence would be.
Ever since these new chipped debit cards came out…
…I’ve never had so many women say “OK, now put it in.”
I once picked up a witch. She turned me into a motel.
Why was the little tugboat crying?
His mother was a tramp.
and then say…
“did you put it in?”
“Hm. Maybe try to put it in again and see if it works”
“Nope, not registering at all, do you have a different one we can try?”
“Ok, one last try, but first rub it on your pants, that sometimes helps.”
“We can always try the old-school method, where I whack it back and forth.”
I bought a record the other day, “Hornet Sounds”. I played it, but it didn’t sound right. So I flipped it over and all was good.
Turns out I was playing the bee side.