David Letterman used to love talking about Bad Axe.
I once vacationed in Bumpass, VA. I’m sure it was pronounced Bum Pass, but I spent 7 days referring to it as Bump Ass.
mmm
“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I laced your martini with a measles vaccine. You’re autistic now!”
“Bwaah, ha, ha, ha…”
Married Life:
Husband: “Margaret, for the past 30 years, all you have done is find mistakes in everything I say.”
Margaret: “31 years…”
Dog domestication:
We changed form, size, personality, lifestyle, instinct; our entire way of being.
Cat domestication:
We went inside.
My in-laws used to live there. Many, including my MIL, tried to pronounce it “Bumpus”, but everybody knew what the name of the town was. They had T-shirt’s.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are strolling through London when, out of nowhere, a cat leaps onto Watson and pees on him.
“Oh, bloody hell!” Watson exclaims. “My coat is ruined!”
“You’ll have to take it up with the owner,” Sherlock replies calmly.
“But I haven’t the slightest idea who the owner is!”
“Elementary, my dear Watson. You are both pissed on and pissed off at the same time, so it must be Schrödinger’s cat.”
A farmer counted 297 cows in his field…
…but when he rounded them up, there were 300.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
They had a fight once, and 71.
What do Lewinsky and Zelenskyy have in common?
Both got a mouthful in the Oval Office.
On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.
Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.
Men may want to shield their eyes on this one - sorry about it being on X.
https://x.com/davidcoverdale/status/1895947162435129505
Compilation of people doing stupid stuff and paying the price.
Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattresses?
It’s when they are the most springy.
There are two neighbors, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor has a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : “Ask what you want”, and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbor, envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor :
“I’ll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp.” The poor accepts the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and says : “Ask what you want”. The rich man asks for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : " Sorry sir, I only serve tea and coffee."
A guy doesn’t go into a bar…
Unaware, the bartender continues serving drinks to other people.
Why are there no hobos in Indiana?
Because beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
How did Mace die in Star Wars?
He went through the Windu.
Killed by Emperor Putintine?
I’m still trying to figure out a way to reconcile the grammatical number in the “fungi” pun…
Forget it, @Chronos. It’s Puntown.
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but no lighter or matches.
“What do they do?”
Me: “Why should I care?”
" They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter!"
Me: “I hate you.”
What would you call Mardi Gras in the Forgotten Realms?
Neversober Nights.
What did Caeser eat at the Mardi Gras?
Etouffee.
Did you hear about a photographer who only takes pics of girls at Mardi Gras?
Guess you can say that he’s into Flash photography.
Why don’t ghosts celebrate Mardi Gras?
Because they can’t handle all the boos!
Why did the chicken cross the road during Mardi Gras?
To get to the other parade!
On Ash Wednesday I will be giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.
It’s going to be completely Excel Lent.
A penitent man decided to give up sex for the Lenten season.
His wife was not informed of this situation, however.
One the second night after Ash Wednesday, she showed some interest in relations.
Rebuffing her advances he said, “I’m sorry, honey–I can’t. It’s Lent.”
Angrily, she replied, “To whom and how long?”
Although most scholars tend to leave this out, H.P. Lovecraft did once write a novella about basketball
Not as many people cared to hear about the dribblings of a madman.
What’s made of brown paper and lives in a bell tower?
The Lunchbag of Notre Dame.
Why can’t muggers catch Catholics during Lent?
They fast.
“I bought some shoes from a drug dealer once.”
“Not sure what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.”
“Son, one day you’ll be a man.”
“Dad, I’m 32.”
“But the Autozone gal had to change your wiper blades.”
Officer: “Do you have any drugs or weapons in the vehicle?”
Me: “What do you need?”
I consider myself a snuggler.
Snuggle cute girls on cold, cold days, Big Bird.
So I am not Mr. Snuffalupagus…
I’m Mr. Snuggle-up-against!
During Ramadan be sure to say “Bismillah” whenever you drink a glass of water.
Water has three djinns. Two oxydjinn, one hydrodjinn.
What do you do when you find Niacin and Thiamin knocking at your front door?
You vitamin, of course.
Brothels have been replacing their hookers with blow up dolls.
I guess inflation finally hit the sex industry.
You know something? If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed…
… Oh, wait, he does.
If Donald Trump talks about “fake news” during the State of the Union…
Does that make it the State of the Onion?
What do you call a happy Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator
A smiling Brutus, with hair in his teeth, confides to his friend Julius Caesar that he just had a threesome.
“Et two, Brute?”
Teacher: What did you have for breakfast, Billy?
Billy: I et six aigs fa brekfuss, ma’am.
Teacher: You mean, “ate,” don’t you?
Billy: Might’a been eight I et.