Five steps to a happy life:
#1: Find a woman who laughs a lot and listens to you,
#2: Find a woman who cooks like a chef and enjoys it,
#3: Find a woman who cleans a house thoroughly and takes pride in it,
#4: Find a woman who’s an animal in bed,
#5: Make damn sure those four women never find out about each other.
#6: Since you didn’t bother to find a fifth woman with a well-paying job and you didn’t bother to find a well-paying job yourself, those four woman will each eventually realize that you will never be able to live in a good apartment, let alone buy a good house. They will each dump you for a man who does have a good job. At that point, you will go on a lot of dates with women who laugh a lot and listen to you but who won’t go on a second date because you may be funny and a good listener but you will never be well-off. You don’t have anyone who cooks for you, so you go to a lot of expensive restaurants by yourself. You don’t have anyone to clear your apartment for free, so you pay someone to clean it for you. You don’t have anyone who wants to have sex with you, so you frequent prostitutes. Soon you will have emptied your bank account and failed to pay your rent on time, so you will be kicked out of your apartment. You will try to live in your car, but you can’t keep yourself or your clothes clean and you will be depressed at work, so you will be fired from your lousy job. You won’t be able to keep your car working or even pay for gas, so it will be taken from you. You will be living on the street and soon will either starve to death or freeze to death.
One thing that’s kept our marriage strong is that my wife still finds me physically attractive.
Why, just the other day, while her friend was visiting, as I was leaving the room to get a beer, I heard her say to her friend “what an ass!”.
Thunderwear.
Musk: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Musk: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don’t call me that yet.
A thesaurus strolls into a bar.
A thesaurus saunters into a bar.
A thesaurus ambles into a bar.
A thesaurus walks into a bar.
A thesaurus plods into a bar.
A thesaurus hikes into a bar.
A thesaurus treks into a bar.
A thesaurus wanders into a bar.
A thesaurus strides into a bar.
Everyday he’d walk along the hillside, look down at the inlet below no matter rain, sleet or snow. Some years later he got a nice dog and he’d go for long walks high in the clouds just to smell the salty air and toss the ball with the his pup. As he aged the people in the town warned him about going for hikes so often and in bad weather. Until one day it finally happened…he slipped in the rain and fell off a cliffs edge into the water below.
You know what they say: you live by the fjord, you die by the fjord.
There’s absolutely no point to it.
What happened to the dog?
A moose once bit its sister.
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain.
With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.
Has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice,
and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia:
Ruled by a pair of nuts.
Valhaha.
We don’t know what it was about, nobody could read the signs.
Ravi-lonely.
By living a sedimentary life style.
*“Why is The Lord of the Rings a banned book in Latveria?”
“Because allowing any text where a pair of short guys with hairy feet get to Mount Doom is a grave insult to His Majesty.”*
The Bored War
Oh, my!
Eau My!
Williams Chatner.
He was looking for love in Alderaan places.
My girlfriend thinks I lasted an hour and two minutes.
…times have changed.
God doesn’t think he’s Elon Musk.
After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:
“Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I’m from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the popemobile. even though I am such a passionate driver!” So the chauffeur swaps seats with the Pope.
After a few kilometers, the Pope is stopped by a police officer. The Pope winds the window down and the policeman immediately runs back to his car. From there he calls his superior:
“Lieutenant , i have a problem. I have a speeder here.”
“What is the problem? Just fine him!”
“I think he is a big shot though.”
“Is he higher ranked than me?”
“Lieutenant, i believe that is the case.”
“Is he higher ranked than the prime minister?”
“Lieutenant, i am afraid that is the case.”
“Who is he then?”
“I don’t know, but the Pope is his chauffeur.”
Sunday. Monday is a weekday.
A synonym roll.
“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”
My last hope for a smokin’ hot body.
Bugs Bunny won’t accept files through Google Drive.
He’ll only accept a Whatsapp Doc.
“That lizard is really funny!”
“That’s not a lizard; it’s a standup chameleon.”
In Back to the future 3 (1990), Doc Brown mistakenly goes back a long time and ends up in a galaxy far, far away. This action accidentally creates a religion known as the “Mandalorians”, a mistaken interpretation of the phrase “Man in Delorean”.
LISTER: Do you mean they had a war over whether the doughnut diner hats were red or blue?
HOLLY: Yeah. Most of them were killed fighting about that. It’s daft really, innit?
LISTER: You’re not kidding. They were supposed to be green.
Priest: I see. How long has it been since your last confession?
It’s been…
My life is pintless.
I want to believe in the Spaghyeti.
The second rule of Non Sequitur Club is barnyard.
Awoooooogula.
He did an even better job when he transitioned into dramatic roles-- he blended seamlessly into the character.
After trying Shakespeare, he tried poetry.
It just went from bard to verse.