“If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you most like to be stranded with?”
“My Uncle Joe.”
“What’s so special about your Uncle Joe?”
“He’s got a boat.”
The bartender said, “Your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
The customer says, “Now, why would I want two empty glasses?”
Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other, would you instead get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?
“Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean. “‘Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant knows nothing about golf and greets him in a typical Irish manner, utterly unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, Sir,” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are dose? asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything".
A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River – $100.
He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river.
Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him into the river. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”
The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year.”
