The last queen of Hawai’i was Irish.
Lili O’Killarney.
The Hawai’ian god of procreation:
Kumoniwannalayya
Then there’s that old Hawaiian disease: ‘Lackanookie’.
"According to studies, women use 21,845 words a day on average, while men speak 18,570 words on average. So you see ladies, when your men come home after work and just grunt at you it’s not that they don’t want to talk. They’re just out."
“Tell me about yourself.”
“Well my villain origin story begins with…”
“This is a job interview.”
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“In mirrors and other reflective surfaces.”
“This escape room sucks.”
“Once again sir, this is a psych ward.”
Life is short. Make sure you spend it arguing with strangers online.
Don’t let anyone ruin your day. It’s your day, ruin it yourself.
"Ugh, coffee gives me so much anxiety. "
“Maybe you should stop drinking it.”
“Maybe you should mind your own business.”
When I was a kid, I thought studying negative numbers was dumb. How could anything be less than zero in the real world? Looking at my bank account now, I finally understand.
People get mad at me for always using contractions. But that’s just the way I am.
It’s what it’s.
The surgeon promised me a hepatectomy
and he de-livered.
My dogs are named Calvin and Kline.
They’re boxers.
__
When I was a kid my dad use to work 12 hour days to put food on the table.
Great dad, very slow cook.
I want to be rich and lazy.
Good new is, I’m already halfway there.
My uncle used to say “The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.”
Lovely guy, terrible anaesthetist.
My sister often says “there’s more than one way to skin a cat.”
Lovely girl, terrible vet.
“I’m.”
If Kings sleep on King mattresses and Queens sleep on Queen mattresses, what does a Prince sleep on?
An heir mattress.
Argh, shoulda done a thread search before I posted 
Oh well. To heir is human…
I hate spelling errors -
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don’t know, can you borrow a pencil?
Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word “may” to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.
Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words “can” and “may”.
Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
Did you hear the Supreme Court just struck down a law declaring ketchup to be the best condiment?
They say it doesn’t pass mustard.
Just because you are trash doesn’t mean that you can’t do great things.
It is called garbage can, not garbage cannot.
A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic
A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. “Whenever I’m driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians.”
The mechanic has a look under the car. “Your alignment is off.”
Did you know that if you hold a stoat up to your ear …
you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by a stoat.
Haiti - Mince and Cheese - $4.50
Cuba - Steak and Cheese - $5.00
Jamaica - Bacon and Egg - $7.00
Cuba - Chicken and Vegetable - $5.50
(These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.)
I can’t say exactly why…I just found this hilarious!
Officer: “Anything I should know about?”
Me: “No.”
Officer: “Is that a bag of cocaine?”
Me: "But you shouldn’t know about it, remember. "
Officer: “Damn, okay, you can go.”
Hemaroid cream doesn’t even taste like hemaroids.
Being kissed in bed while you’re asleep is…like the purest form of love.
Unless you’re home alone.
Or in prison.
Did you hear Muhammad Ali burnt his hand in a few fights?
That’s what happens when you punch George Foreman in the grill.
I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.
He said, “Knock yourself out!”
Imagine missing a payment on a TESLA,
and the car drives itself back to the dealership.
Did you know Ukraine has no Walmarts?
Only Targets.
The White House is looking for a commercial sponsor for this year’s Easter Egg Hunt.
How 'bout Pravda?
Dying in a tsunami isn’t so bad…
At least the earth gives you a wave goodbye.
Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit.
On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.
Why can’t you trust a left-handed mathematician with graph paper?
They’ll plot something sinister.
I was told I should rearrange my mood.
But that could spell my doom.
To get in shape I had a bike made out of taffy but I never rode it.
It was a viscous cycle.