As a left-handed person myself, I have to say I find this joke quite gauche.
You can a lot about a person by the coat they wear…
If the arms are tied in the back by buckles, they’re fun people.
Galileo vs. the Church
Church: Why must you waste your time with magnifying lenses, Galileo?
Galileo: To find out if it’s possible to see something as small as your dick!
Church: You’ll pay for that!
Galileo: Pay to see your tiny dick? You wish!
If you believe that teaching about God in public schools will improve people’s morality,
you first need to explain why it doesn’t work in churches.
My mother, staring down at me in the open casket: “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Women are like bacon:
They smell great.
They taste wonderful.
They will kill you slowly.
Yes, Galileo was right, and yes, the Church persecuted him, but what the history books usually leave out is that he was also a world-class dick, and that was probably more responsible for his persecution than his science.
Sign on a box:
“If you’re reading this, your pizza is upside down.”
Other side reads: “It was just a joke!”
Yeah, Galileo wrote a defense of his theories in which a character who is portrayed as an imbecile asks questions and Galileo explains. The questions asked by the imbecile are verbatim quotes of the questions the pope asked. So he blatantly portrayed the pope as an idiot in writing. Not a good move.
First day on the job as a policeman:
Me: Subject is dancing naked through the streets of downtown.
Dispatch: Copy that.
Me: I’ll try but I’m not much of a dancer.
Drinking a large amount of water every day helps you avoid other people’s drama because you’re too busy peeing.
Stay Hydrated.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Trump Sandwich
- White bread
- Full of bologna
- w/Russian dressing
- And a small pickle
Shouldn’t that be a mushroom in the middle?
A guy asked me to pet his cocker spaniel.
I should have chosen the spaniel.
Why was the egg scared?
It was a little chicken.
Gentleman texting ex-girlfriend:
‘Hey Sarah, you’re probably still asleep. Feels weird to text you since we broke up. But I gotta tell you something.’
New boyfriend answering Sarah’s phone:
‘Sarah’s still sleeping. Gave her a wild night, What do you want to tell her, LOSER?’
‘Tell her my HIV test came back positive. Thanks Champ.’
Oh wow, imagine actually making a double steering wheel that looks like that. The illusion might only work in the dark, when it’s harder to see anything besides the white spiraling stripes.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday.
Did you hear that fruit will never travel to Australia?
Yeah! Fruit won’t, but veggie might!
Why can’t basketball players go on vacation?
They aren’t allowed to travel.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are actually wanted.
I entered my symptoms in WebMD…
, and it turns out I just have kids.
I brought my suit to the cleaners. They wanted $17 to clean it. So I donated it to the Goodwill store across the street.
They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window, so I bought it for $5.
I’m stealing that one! 
Yes, English can be strange.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
I don’t always listen to Pink Floyd. But when I do, so do all my neighbors.
