More Jokes

What would ChatGPT need a moustache for?

You should be careful around female twins; since women don’t grow goatees, you can never tell which one is the evil twin until it’s too late.

It makes it look distinguished.

Rigorous analysis and thanks for the mustache.

Punctuation is for people who are paid by the hour.

I was walking in the desert and I randomly ran into a group of friends, Rueben, Dagwood, and Sloppy Joe.

I was surprised at all the sand which is there.

Buyer: Is the bicycle still available?
Seller: Yes.
Buyer: What’s the lowest you can go?
Seller: 2mph. Otherwise, you tip over.

I Googled the signs and symptoms of dementia.

Why are all the links purple?


You can see the blood flowing in your veins

if you look varicosely.


A friend asked me how I feel about nudity.

I said that personally, it always left me cold.


I accidentally swallowed my watch yesterday.

The only thing I could do was sit there and pass the time.


What does a Classical Music fan take to the record store?

A Chopin Liszt.

Now there’s joke that hardly anybody these days is gonna get. A few years ago I tried to set up my browser to give me back the blue/purple link distinction and in the process made pretty much every modern webpage unusable.

It still shows up in Google search results, at least on my browser.

When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman; he means fighting bad guys or killing dragons. Definitely not vacuuming or washing dishes.

Hope that helps.

I have my own built-in alarm clock. It’s called a bladder … and it doesn’t have a snooze button.

My alarm clock climbed into bed at 5am yesterday to ask mommy, " is electricity is a solid?"
Mommy’s reply, “ask daddy.”

So excited about my raise today. It was in medication dosage but a win’s a win

A scientist was walking on the street during hot summer day.

“Damn, it’s hot” he complained.

“Tell me about it” said the Sun above.

Scientist was surprised.

“Wow! Sound propagation through space!”


I joined a loneliness therapy group.

No one showed up.


My son identifies as a crescent moon.

I hope it’s just a phase.


How do you fix a broken gorilla?

Use a monkey wrench.


My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust.

We call her Summer for short.

Good thing you don’t live south of the equator! You’d either have to call her “Winter” or change her name to “JanuaryFebruaryMarch” :winking_face_with_tongue:

Well actually, a gorilla is an ape, not a monkey…

I stand corrected… :blush:

And sometimes that’s important. (Ook)

For that matter, humans are all both apes and monkeys, too, but most humans will be insulted if you call them either. So don’t call the Librarian a monkey, and don’t call the Archchancellor an ape, even if both are technically true.

Terry Pratchett fans, help me out here: Is Offler supposed to be literally a crocodile?

Or is it an allegory?


“All the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?”

“Yeah,” said Rincewind. “Luters, I expect.”

  • Terry Pratchett

Nanny Ogg had learned how to spell banana, but had not learned when to stop.

  • Terry Pratchett

An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought.

It’s a growing problem.


I give 110 percent!

That’s why they fired me as a cashier.

None the languages I am at all familiar with or have an acquaintance who is, except English, has a separate word for ape. For example, my Swiss Friend called his HS the Affenkasten (literall monkey house, although I assume Affe is cognate with ape). If you look up ape in a English-French dictionary, you get something that back-translates to “hairless monkey without tail”.

I knew a guy who would only shop at thrift shops.

He married a single mother. Even his kids were second-hand.


What can you do if your partner always smokes after sex?

Slow down and use more lube.


What is a wildcat’s favorite game show?

Leopardy


Snappy book titles for kids.

Why can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket be Friends?

You're Different and That's Bad.

Fun Things You Can Find Going Through Mommy and Daddy's Drawers.

What’s the difference between customer service in 1995 vs 2025?

In 1995, you had to speak with five different reps before finding someone who was able to help.

In 2025, you get one Chatbot that apologizes beautifully for not being able to help.

Well, English and Morporkian, apparently.