He got his family on discount.
As in, “discounts as starting a family”.
I could be mistaken, but don’t monkeys have tails, and apes don’t?
Most monkeys have tails. Some don’t. Some of the tailless ones are very large.
Does the arachniphobia group have a web site?
Whoever doesn’t use correct punctuation deserves a long sentence.
Just don’t call the Librarian a monkey !
Oops ! I see this has been covered several posts ago. Sorry for the redundancy.
After ignoring you for 20 minutes, you’d be surprised by how quickly employees at Home Depot will assist you when you try to start a chainsaw.
“Nothing takes the sting out of these tough economic times like watching a bunch of millionaires giving golden statues to each other.”
- Billy Crystal, hosting the Academy Awards
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
- Pat Bagley
“So, if ‘femdom’ is a kink about getting dominated by women, is ‘fandom’ a kink about getting dominated by fans?”
Kingdom? 
‘Sorry I took my pants off at your gender reveal party.
I thought we were all participating.’
My Japanese instructor thinks that coins are talking to him.
Sensei’s sense says cents say sensei.
How do you avoid a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter.
What do you call John, Paul & George without Ringo?
The Beatless.
How come there are so many Chuck Norris jokes but none about Clint Eastwood?
Clint Eastwood is no joke.
Why should you always bring money to LBGT pride parades?
Trans-action fees.
Spanish does:
Ape: Simio
Monkey: Mono.
Never mind.
As do the Scandinavian languages.
Ape: Menneskeabe (DK), Menneskeape (NO), Människoartade apor (SE). Literal translation to English: “Human-monkey” (DK, NO), “Human-like monkey” (SE)
Monkey: Abe (DK), Apekatt/Ape (NO), Apa (SE)
A man goes to his brother’s wedding in Paris. At the reception, he stands up and raises his glass, saying “Eggs…bread…cinnamon…maple syrup” and sits down. It was a French toast.
People often accuse me of stealing other’s jokes and being a plagiarist.
Their words — not mine…
Queue is spelled just with Q and four silent letters.
No, it’s not; they’re just waiting their turn.
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist?
He got off on a technicality.
You’re a 10 on the pH scale.
Because you’re basic.
I’m thinking about selling my theremin.
I haven’t touched it in years.
With your talent - you should be on the stage.
There’s one leaving in ten minutes.
He had an apartment in front -
And she had a flat behind.
And tea has two utterly redundant letters.