Husband: Stabs vampire.
Wife: O M G
Husband: Beats zombie to death.
Wife: OMG … OMG
Husband: What!!!
Wife; You’re supposed to give them candy!
I asked my doctor if I needed a prostate exam.
He just gave me a thumbs up.
mmm
What, both of them?
“Using the whole fist, doc?”
This generation won’t ever understand how good it felt to be in the HORROR section at Blockbuster on a Friday night.
Why vampire cats no longer exist.
“Sunbeam, sunbeam, must … go … to … sunbeam.”
I heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars.
So now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Sorry the video doesn’t work. It was from Fletch.
Never mind. Carry on.
Man: “Oh, no, it’s him. I hate that guy, he’s totally anti-semantic.”
Woman: "You mean he’s anti-semitic."
Second Man: “Invisible pink whirligig eats singalongs! Welcome dimensional sleep!”
Man: “No.”
Halloween costume.
“We’ve been over this over and over again, clubs are useless against undead equines. Stop beating a dead horse.”
Busy day at Stonehenge what with having to reset the stones.
A distinguished looking older gentleman walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender is a young woman who likes older men, and finds his quiet air of authority attractive. She strikes up a conversation with him and finds out he’s a recently retired military officer and a long-time widower. She says “I hope this isn’t too personal, but when was the last time you made love to a woman?” “Twenty ten, ma’am” he replies.
She thinks that is far too much time, and feels bad for him. She says she’s off work in five minutes, lives right around the corner, and says he can come by for a ‘nightcap’ if he wants to.
A little later, after the lovin’, they’re lying in bed and she says “wow, for someone who hasn’t made love in 15 years, you didn’t forget a thing— you really know what you’re doing!”
He says “15 years? 20:10 was only a few hours ago”.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi!
What airplane bounces when it lands?
Boeing.
(came up with this one myself)
That’s funny
Was that an ACME plane?
In anatomy class, we were assigned to work together to build a skeleton.
I hid an arm bone.
No one found it humerus.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
The only thing flat earthers have to fear is…sphere itself.
Ironically, saying “that’s cringe” is very cringe.
mmm