Eat the rich.
- Gross.
- Kinda weird.
- You don’t know where they’ve been.
Use the rich as fertiliser.
- Good for the environment.
- Still menacing.
- Everyone loves wood chippers.
A pencil isn’t John Wick’s primary murder weapon.
But it’s definitely number 2.
The woman I’m sleeping with keeps telling me I don’t need to be intimidated by the size of her ex’s dick –
But even still, I’d feel a lot more comfortable if she didn’t keep it in a jar on the nightstand.
I don’t know why everyone thinks of mobsters as bad guys.
When I was a kid, my next door neighbor who was a mobster would pay me $20 to start his car every morning.
Describe your love life in two words.
My what?
STEM Girls are so hot.
I’ve got lucky and bagged myself a physicist.
We started off carbon dating. Enjoyed fission chips be the seaside and rounded off with an in depth study of ‘moments experienced by couples in fields’.
I’ve never been a betting man but I’d put my next paycheck that the price/tonne passes $3k by the end of the year. I’ve been tracking aluminum pricing since April, when it was back around $2300. In just the past month it’s shot up from around $2650 to $2900. That’s a 25% increase in 7 months and an 8% bump in the last 4 weeks.
Me: I’m hoarding my soda and beer cans. Gonna be an Aluminaire.
I hope your plan doesn’t get foiled.
mmm
What’s a popular 1960s pop Islamic duo?
Sunni & Shia
I was thinking about having dinner at a family style restaurant by myself.
But for all I know, it would be my day to do the dishes.
I say, I say, what do you call a photograph of an older person?
A polaroid.
I just ran into a guy quoting V for Vendetta. You know, the whole “remember, remember the fifth of November,” speech. And I could help but think…
Man, this Guy Fawkes.
I just bought a 5-foot tall flightless bird for $3
It’s a Temu Emu.
“What’s the difference between a corporation and a criminal organization?”
“The criminal organization lies less in its mission statement.”
Yesterday, one of the problems in my pre-calc class involved a zip line for a reality TV competition. One of my students said “Y’know, I could really see you on American Ninja Warrior”.
“If you could really see me, wouldn’t that mean I was doing a terrible job at it?”
I just recently learned about the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon, but suddenly I’m hearing about it everywhere. It’s the weirdest thing.
Are Calvinist ministers pre-ordained?
NASA is launching a new satellite into space which is designed to tell all alien lifeforms that we’re sorry for what we’ve done to our planet.
It’s going to be called the Apollo G.
My wife and I used to run a second-hand store, but now we’re divorced.
I guess we just thrifted apart.
I left a bottle of tequila in my Ford Focus…
…and when I got back it was a Ford Fiesta.
So, a friend told me about a horror movie where if you get a phone call and don’t answer it, you die.
And I was like “Is this movie about my mother?”
Which color has the most sex?
White, because it has the highest albedo.
I used to like the taste of pennies, but nowadays they’re just terrible.
I suppose it’s because they’re no longer being minted.
I was going to post a joke about Jonestown… but the punchline is too long.
All my friend tell me I’m condescending (That means I talk down to people)
I bought my friend an elephant for his room… He said, “Thanks”. I said, “Don’t mention it”.
How can you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
I told my daughter to go to bed. “The cows are sleeping in the field.”
She said, “What’s that got to do with anything?”
That means, “It’s pasture bedtime.”
That line was also used seriously, in one of the Dresden Files books.
What do you call a priest who went to law school? A fatther-in-law!
Oh man, I knew a priest/lawyer. Wish I’d heard this* before he died, he would have loved it.
mmm
(*or thought of it myself)
I did, too. The old pastor at my church got himself licensed as a lawyer, so he could better help refugees and immigrants with paperwork.
This is truly doing God’s work.