Cat joke, not political.
Gramma passed out. Found her three days later.
That’s like this old classic:
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle name.
A businessman is walking down a busy street when he sees a young girl selling apples from a cart.
The apple cart has a sign on it saying “$3 each, or 3 apples for $10”.
He says to the little girl, “hey, your sign is wrong-- $10 is too much for 3 apples”.
The girl says “ehhhh…I think it’s fine just the way it is”.
He says to her “look, little lady, I’m a very successful businessman. Let me prove it to you. I’d like one apple, please”.
That’ll be $3, the girl says.
“Now I’ll take another apple”. “$3” she says again.
“One more apple, please”. “$3” she says.
The man then says “see? I bought 3 apples separately, and only paid $9. Do you understand the mistake you’re making now, kid?”.
“What I understand” says the little girl, “is that lots of people just like you have bought 3 apples from me, one at a time, to teach me good business. Thanks for the lesson! No returns, by the way”.
Everyone knows about Hermann Göring, one of the worst Nazis from WWII…
…but fewer people know about his brother Finn who was the man who invented foreplay.
Two old men are playing golf.
-These hills are way steeper when they used to be when we were young.
-And the distances between holes are way greater than I remember
-Oh, yes, and the clubs… the clubs are way heavier than before
-Well, at least we’re still on the same side of the grass!
I’m writing a book on reverse psychology.
Don’t buy it.
My uncle prayed unto God to solve all of his family’s problems.
The Lord answered his prayers.
His funeral is next week.
My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain…
…he received a precipitation trophy.
I’m a trophy husband. But more like a Participation trophy.
My mom starts shouting, “No one does anything in this house!”
But I literally put the dishes in the sink for her to wash, yeeeshhh.
In the past, nobody ever asked if diner was gluten-free. You just ate it and hoped it wasn’t liver.
Deep thought for today: We’re all here on the Straight Dope - because we’re not all there.
Recruiter: “Would you like to join a fast paced and dynamic team?”
Me: “Do you have a slow and chilled out team available? The other sounds all kinds of stressful.”
A coworker of mine was bragging about how they could make a gun with their 3D printer. I told them I was not impressed…I’ve had a Canon printer for a long, long time!
Now I have ‘We’re here because we’re here’ as done in the The Twilight Zone episode ‘Five Characters In Search Of An Exit’ going through my head.
2021… I didn’t go jogging.
2022… I didn’t go jogging.
2023… I didn’t go jogging.
2024… I didn’t go jogging.
This is a running joke.
Me: I’d like to open up a joint bank account.
Bank teller: I can help you. With whom are you opening it?
Me: I dunno, whoever has the most money I guess.
XXXXX
I was excited when I heard my bank was offering zero-interest loans.
Me: I’d like a loan.
Bank teller: I don’t care.
XXXXX
Bank robber: Where is the safe?
Teller:
Bank robber: Dude, where is the safe?
Teller:
Penn: He’s not going to tell you.
I told my wife I was taking part in No Nut November…
She said she was excited for me to see how she feels the other 11 months of the year.
If partially sighted people want the right to drive combine harvesters…
I’m not going to stand in their way.
What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies!
Today’s the last day the U.S. Mint will press pennies.
It doesn’t make any cents.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Pizza and Coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
Just saw this one.
Dr. Pepper is the name of the person who created it.
What you’re actually drinking is Dr. Pepper’s monster.
Q: How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A: Three. His left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
Why are all the disabled people in Hell?
Because there’s a stairway to Heaven.
My girlfriend is from a South African tribe.
The language barrier was tricky, but we just clicked.
When I turned 10, I learned I could talk to the animals.
They just had no clue what I was saying.
What do you call for Catholic emergencies?
Nun one one.
Did you know that before the invention of the crowbar…
…crows generally preferred to drink at home?
What is the Pope’s phone number?
Et cum spriri two-two 0.
With the Discontinuation of the penny…
Penny-ante will now be nickle-ante.
Penny loafers will now be credit card loafers.
Penny candy will still no longer exist.
A penny for your thoughts will still be an empty promise.
Giving your two cents will now be considered bitching. (So no change.)
Bad Pennies will still turn up until further notice.
Sales should round to the Nickel until they replace it with the plastic.
Nickelback will still be considered terrible taste in music.
Dimebag will still be dead and or cost 10.
Stops on a dime will give only .05 change.
Attorney: Your honor, my client, Abraham Lincoln, should be acquitted at once!
Judge: And why is that?
Attorney: Because he’s in a cent!