I guess the U.S. Mint is finally listening to David Byrne.
What are you going to do in the weekend?
“I’m going to buy glasses.”
“And then what?”
“Then I’ll see.”
My hot female doctor said I was sweet!!
Her exact words were “severely diabetic”, but I know what she meant..
After some investigation, I discovered some cracks in the hearth of my fireplace.
In other words, it’s having a mantle breakdown.
What did Han Solo say when he split up with Leia?
“May divorce be with you.”
I’m into girls, and I’m into guys, yet I’m still single.
So I guess you could say I’m all bi-myself.
Daily briefing at a small town police station:
“A citizen called in to complain about holes in the privacy fence of the local nudist colony. Police are looking into it.”
“Update on the robbery of the beer store downtown: it’s a cold case.”
I thought I’d surely break my cellphone climbing Mt. Everest.
But it’s in peak condition.
Before being domesticated by humans, horses made several attempt to govern themselves.
Alas, to no avail. At every vote the “neighs” won.
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a “Double Entendre”.
So he gave it to her.
A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Hey!”
The horse said, “Sure.”
I tried to eat a clock once.
It was too time-consuming.
1: What’s the difference between toilet paper and wall paper?
2: What?
1: … dude, that’s gross.
But that’s seven years in dog time!
Living with a dog involves 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions.
Things that shouldn’t happen, but do.
“My kid peed in the humidifier. The urine is misted onto every surface in the room.”
I hate it when people say it’s a quarter till 9pm. Man, just say it’s 8:75pm.
Farmer romance novel writing:
Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it.
I probably should have told her about the new electric fence.
Reasons why fall is the #1 season:
chilly weather
halloween
sweaters
pumpkins
BUGS HAVE RETURNED TO HELL WHERE THEY BELONG!
Fun fact: “Bug” originally meant “goblin” or “imp”, a small, irritating demon. It’s related to “bugbear”, “bogie”, and “boogey-man”.
How far north do you have to be to not have bugs in November?
How do you know your rustic camping site was previously occupied by Mama Cass?
All the leaves are brown.
Series of text messages:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!
…I’m on the toilet, please advise?
"I am not old!
“Pfft, when you were born, the Dead Sea was just sick.”
Did you know that a large group of baboons is called a congress?
That explains a lot now, doesn’t it!
'At this time, we’d like to invite our executive platinum plus members to board."
“Knock it off, Orville.”
When I get bored, I call Best Western hotels and when they say, “Best Western.”
I reply, “High Noon with Gary Cooper” and hang up.
Supervisor: “We’re going to do random drug testing today.”
Me: “Okay, but I won’t do meth.”
In my version, the Dead Sea just entered hospice.
mmm
The inventor of the wind chill factor died this week.
He was 86 but felt more like he was 64.
I figured out the ending of Joker.
It’s the names of the people who worked on the movie.
I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.
The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.
If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber…
what color would you pick?
My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink.
Apparently cough syrup wasn’t what she was after…
I was kidnapped and taken to an army chow hall.
Man, was I in a mess.
Too soon!
(Actually, I love it).
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really attractive daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? “What’s that?” I asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome,” she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, “No, I haven’t!”
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, tonight’s your lucky night.”
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ”'Mom, you still awake?”