It turns out that ALL natural history museums are in fact artificial. Huh.
I went to the Air and Space Museum. It was in a large building so had lots of air in lots of space. But why did they have to clutter up that space with all those airplanes?
My wife and I celebrated our anniversary yesterday. It’s been 35 years; 25, with the wind chill.
By the time she was 44, Marie Curie had received two Nobel Prizes and hadn’t been mentioned once in the Epstein files.
The Invention of Glue:
Me: "I bet if we melt a horse down we could use the leftovers to stick stuff to other stuff.
Friend: “Dude, is everything okay at home?”
Picard: “I heard on a documentary that Argentina has a cold climate.”
Riker: “Really? I thought it was quite warm there.”
Picard: “Yes, they said it was bordering on Chile.”
Wife bought something on FB Marketplace but she’s afraid she’ll get kidnapped so she sends me to pick it up from a guy whose wife sent him because she’s afraid she’ll get kidnapped.
It’s 1998.
- There’s a war in the Congo.
- Valve has a major announcement.
- There’s a major stock market bubble due to tech speculation.
- Bill Clinton is in the news for receiving a blowjob.
It’s 2025
- There’s a war in the Congo.
- Valve has a major announcement.
- There’s a major stock market bubble due to tech speculation.
- Bill Clinton is in the news for receiving a blowjob.
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
An old guy once said to me: “My wife and I have been married 50 years, and I haven’t regretted a single moment.”
“That single moment happened on July 27, 1995, at 12:59pm.”
Marriage is really educational:
When I was single, I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.
Everyone loves tanks-giving turkey.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?”
…and it activated the front camera.
Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out
Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.
Ring, ring
“Spa and Leisure Centre - we can’t take your call just now, so please leave a massage”
(I made this one up! 
Here’s a joke my wife just told me this morning:
“If a person who loves being alone is an introvert, and a person who loves being around people is an extrovert, what do you call a person who loves being around cats?”
Me: “catatonic?” (Yeah, I can’t ever just ask “what” like a good straight man. I’m terrible to tell jokes to)
“A purrrvert”
A farmer goes out to cut, split and stack firewood.
After several hours of hard work with chainsaw and log-splitter, he has cords of wood stacked all along one wall of the farmhouse. As he is finishing up, he notices an elderly Indian leaning on the fence watching him. He wanders over to say hello, and the Indian takes out a tobacco pipe. The farmer takes out his own pipe and tobacco pouch, the Indian helps himself to a modest pinch but the farmer gestures “fill it up, fill it up!” and the two of them have a pleasant smoke together. At the end of their smoke, the Indian remarks “Winter be cold this year,” and wanders off.
Trusting the Indian’s native wisdom, the farmer goes out early next day and cuts and splits firewood until the long side of the farmhouse has wood stacked all along its length. He notices that the Indian is there again, so he takes out the tobacco again and they have a good long smoke together, just enjoying the quiet. Once again when his pipeful is done the Indian speaks: “Winter be plenty cold this year,” and wanders off.
So the farmer sets to work extra early the next day, and carries on cutting and splitting and stacking until it is almost too dark to see. In the gloom he spots the Indian watching him once again, and they smoke another pipeful together, and the Indian says “Winter be heap damn cold this year.”
“How do you know?” asks the farmer.
“Ah,” says the old one sagely, “always come cold winter when white man cut much firewood.”
I love to discuss Japanese poetry with my pet pigeon.
I say, :“Hi.”
He says, “Coo.”
How did the AI end up in jail?
It got CAPTCHA’d.
How can you convert dollars into pounds?
Visit McDonalds.
My salamander’s always getting dumped.
He’s got reptile dysfunction.
Salamanders aren’t reptiles. 
I remember how annoying CAPTCHA was with its nearly illegible codes. Little did I know that it was a way to teach AI how to read.
So now anyone who has ever used CAPTCHA can sue all AI companies for royalties for the AI programs that were written based on it.
Breaking news. Sketch artist of the suspect!
What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?
“What were you doing the night between November and May?”
Why did the cranberry sauce cross the road?
To get to the other sides.
Why did the turkey get kicked out of the football stadium?
Because he tryptophan.
Do you know why Indiana Jones never married?
Bad dates
A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her…
When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.
She then asked the students if the jar was full?
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
She shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
She then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They again agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life.
The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else.
The small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical check-ups.
Take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
But then…
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer.
Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
I like jokes that mock glurge…
Me: Jesus, I dreamt that my life was a walk along the beach, with you at my side. Two sets of footprints can be seen in the sand, except during the worst times of my life, when there was only one set. Why did you abandon me during my worst times?
Jesus: My precious son, it was during those times that I carried you.
Me: Bullshit, Jesus, those are obviously my footprints.
The Boston Globe reviewed the new Wizard of Oz movie:
Wicked Good.
A woman has triplets and names them Timothy, Thomas, and Tatiana
While breastfeeding Tim and Tom, she realized an important truth
There’s no tit for Tat.
What happened to Cruella DeVil when she died?
101 damnations.
I Heard Bach Played on Clay Ocarinas
Terracotta and Fugue in D Minor.
Why are hippies such major consumers of Tums?
So many of them suffer from acid reflux.
What do you call an old western lawman with acid reflux?
Wyatt urp.
In the late-'70s or early-'80s dad and I landed at FAT. The FBO had airsickness bags with a cartoon of a cowboy, and the legend ‘Quiet Urp’. Unfortunately, I didn’t buy any (or have dad buy any) because woe betide anyone think that I’d become airsick! I wish I’d had a couple for my collection now.