Dang, I thought I invented Earp/Urp.
mmm
I like to cook, but every time I cook for my wife she complains that my food gives her terrible headaches.
I tried making dishes using corn, rice, barley, wheat, oats and rye, but it made no difference. She ended up with a bad headache each time.
Turns out she was suffering from migraines.
The devil is taking his daily tour of the new arrivals to hell, enjoying the suffering and torment they are newly experiencing in the flames of hell, and their horrified realization of just how bad it will be for all eternity.
Then he comes upon a couple of Michiganders from the lower peninsula who are talking and laughing, having a fine old time. The devil says “how can you guys be so happy?” They answer “hey, after a lifetime of Michigan winters, this heat feels like a tropical vacation!”
So the devil angrily stomps back to hell’s control room, where he cranks the heat up even more. As he goes back to see how the Michiganders are taking it, he walks past multitudes wailing, gnashing their teeth, and begging him to turn down the heat just a little bit.
But when the devil gets back to the Michiganders, he sees they have fired up a barbecue grill and are tossing around a football, not even breaking a sweat,
The devil realizes he’s got it all wrong, so he goes back and this time turns the thermostat waaaay down until it’s bitterly, Arctic cold. He goes back to the Michiganders, but this time they’re jumping up and down, high-fiving and cheering. He says “what in damnation are you guys so happy about now???”
“Hell froze over— the Lions must have won the Super Bowl!”
Ever year after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.
I can do it, because I have lots of cold turkey.
What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?
I liked the leftovers before they were cool.
Where do Klingons store their leftovers?
Zip’loc!
Stephen was grateful when Istvhan looked over at his plate and said, “What in the name of the little household gods is that?”
“An abomination,” said Stephen. “I believe the cook called it gravy.”
“Gravy is not that color.”
“I did not say the cook was correct.”
“Can we burn them at the stake?”
“We’re not those kind of paladins. Anyway, it tastes okay if you close your eyes and pretend you’re eating literally anything else.”
Istvhan groaned and went to endure trial-by-gravy himself.
from Paladin’s Grace by T. Kingfisher.
I’m starting a Shakespearean delivery company.
We aim to deliver your parcel tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.
“Doctor, doctor!”
“I’ve roast beef in one ear, Yorkshire pudding in the other ear and gravy all down my legs!”
Doctor: “Hmmm. I don’t think you’re eating properly.”
I say, I say, why do mosquitoes buzz?
Because they fart constantly.
After we won the game, I told my tennis partner:
“Thank you for your service.”
What is a pirate’s favorite element of the periodical table?
Gold, of course.
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?
Pretty nuts!
—
My wife asked me if she should put the tree up herself this year.
I said, “No, let’s put it up in the living room!”
—
Did you hear about the couple that stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My local funeral venue is the greatest in the world!
It’s really the creme de la crem.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone…
…he found he had missed three calls from Chuck Norris.
What do you get when you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
What did Alexander Hamilton say when he was cold?
Burr.
I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.
So I’m going home for the hollandaise.
Does she serve it on polished metal dishes?
I would assume so. There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
mmm
Roses are red, roses are blue
depending on their velocity
relative to you.
My kids chipped in and bought me a vacant piece of land for my birthday.
Even after I’d told them that I don’t need a lot.
True story: when I went to pick up my mother’s cremains from the local funeral home and crematorium, there was a big sign at the front door saying “NO SMOKING” and I had to take a moment before I went in to stop giggling.
My brother the priest told me he regularly had to deal with the bereaved wanting “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” or “Blaze Away” at crematorium funerals.
My wife loves resaling and antiquing. So when we were driving in the country and saw a sign that said ‘LOTS FOR SALE’ she got all excited. But it was just a big open field. Weird.
Attention: Be careful of Black Friday scams. I ordered my wife some expensive jewelry for Christmas and instead I received a new deer rifle and 6 boxes of ammo.
The day when I can yell, “where is my phone?” and it yells back, "down here in the couch!!'. Then it will really be a smartphone.
Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips; yet you tiptoe but not tipfinger?!
‘The neighbor’s kids challenged us to a water fight.’
‘I’m in.’
‘Just waiting for the water to boil.’
‘What?’
“Maybe you’re right, I should go back to college.”
“I said, you start taking collagen.”