A subthread all by itself.
- People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
I need the shaggy dog story on that one.
And I’ll trade you for up the paddle without a crick.
The opening line of Charles Dickens’ “A Tale of Two Cities””
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”.
I know that. I asked for the shaggy dog story with that punchline.
A brief summary:
"In the mid-19th century, London was terrorized by the arrival of a tremendous monster in the Thames. It was soon dispatched by the townspeople, but nobody could decide what to do with the corpse. Finally, a butcher decided to make sausage out of it. Charles Dickens, upon observing the result, commented, “It was the beast of Thames, it was the wurst of Thames.”
Okay, thanks. That tracks.
Why does the river Thames run through London?
If it walked, it’d get stabbed.
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing…
Probably because it’s a Dell.
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
My girlfriend used to work at an American prison in Cuba.
She’s my Guantanamo Bae.
My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry…
I’ll return.
In a small-town trial, a Southern prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand. He approached her and asked: “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She replied: “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and you talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot, but you don’t have the brains to realize you’ll never amount to more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She calmly replied: “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was young, too. He’s lazy, arrogant, and has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women—one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney nearly fainted. The judge quietly called both lawyers to the bench and said in a low voice: “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll have you both sent to the electric chair.”
Why do Greeks and Turks argue over the Boston Tea Party?
Because it was a sip riot.
never mind
My wife said I was average, I thought, “That’s mean”.
Where do urologist play ice hockey?
On Golden Pond.
You met a man on the Oregon Trail.
He said his name was Terry.
You said that that was a girl’s name.
He shot you down.
You died of dissin’ Terry.
And God said, “Let there be leet!”
4ND 7H3R3 W4S L337
Why do we have actuaries?
So accountants have someone to laugh at.
Who’s the great detective who investigates molten rocks?
Magma, P.I.
Hey! I resemble that!
The man said, ‘I’d like to replace your cat.’
The lady said, ‘That’s all right with me, but how are you with catching mice?’
(Ed Wynn as ‘Uncle Albert’ and Julie Andrews as ‘Mary Poppins’ in Mary Poppins (1964).)
The Late Scott Adams:
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There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
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Normal people believe… if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
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The only risk of failure is promotion.
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I respectfully decline the invitation to join in your hallucination.
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The best things in life are silly.
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Remember there are no simple acts of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.
Wife: What’s this pile of clothes on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
Wife: God I hate your Star Wars crap.
Me: Good, let the hate flow through you.
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
… you can’t hear an enzyme.
(Best spoken aloud for max effect.)
You look like a million dollars.
Green and wrinkled.