And the young comedian yells out 92-1/2. Everyone cracks up. The old comedian says “I see you put a new ending on that one.”
That joke was so old it was numbered XVIII.
Apoc-ellipse?
Easy as falling off a log?
It only took me a secant.
The way I heard the joke:
32
Ha!!!
(I mean that both in the direct, plain sense of “that was funny,” and in the silly, continuing-with-the-premise sense of “joke 32 is indeed a funnier version”).
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid ten but also imaginary.
Then the comedian yells out “57!” and someone else says, “Too soon, dude. Too soon.”
[And a reminder that Sunday, 9-19, is National Talk Like A Pirate Day]
Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.
Poor bastard.
I was recently invited to try skydiving without a parachute.
It sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.
What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people
A cowboy is reviewing his medical history with his doctor, and the Doctor says, “You put on this form, No accidents”. Didn’t I treat you for the time that horse kicked you and broke several ribs? And another time when you were bit by a rattlesnake?"
The cowboy replies, “Heck Doc, them warn’t no accidents. They done it on purpose.”
Not many people know this, but “t shirt” is short for “tyrannosaurus shirt”. You know, because of the short arms.
What does C.S.Lewis keep hidden in his wardrobe?
Narnia business
(Works better when told by an English professor with a heavy Yorkshire accent)
Linda Lovelace’s dentist says she has the best teeth he’s ever come across.
This is so true it’s funny. Uh, wait a minute…
Story from the help desk at the state’s Department of Natural Resources - pre Internet days.
(phone rings)
“Hello, this is the Department of Natural Resources, how may I help you?”
“My husband just went hunting with his buddies and brought home a deer. It’s hanging in the garage and he has no idea how to go about cutting it up for venison.”
(Department employee goes through a quick lesson on butchering a deer.) “And remember to do this quickly or the fecal material will contaminate the meat.”
(Caller thanks him and hangs up.)
(Phone rings again.)
“I just called a few minutes ago. What is fecal material.”
“Deer turds.”
(Caller thanks him again and hangs up.)
(Phone rings again.)
“This is the lady again. My husband sawed the antlers off and set them on the floor. Then he started cutting up the deer, slipped on the blood, and sat down on the antlers. Now he’s in the hospital getting his butt stitched up. What should I do?”
(The Department of Natural Resources employee bites his tongue.)
All right, maties! It be Talk Like A Pirate Day! Aaarrr!
Or, if you prefer, It be Talk Like Robert Newton Day!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
Where do pirates buy their hooks? The second hand store
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
What happened to the crews when the red pirate ship fought with the purple pirate ship? They got marooned.
I sent my hearing aids in for repairs three weeks ago
I haven’t heard anything since.
If you’re ever feeling down…
Just remember, you’re closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is!
A pizza walks by two pancakes
Pancake: " Look at that tart with all that make-up!"
I know I missed ‘Talk like a Pirate’ day, but I just thought of a pirate joke I made up all by myself:
Did the pirate wife cry when she divorced her pirate husband?
No, she just shed a private tear.
Why did she divorce him? Well…
(Audio sort of NSFW but still worth a listen)