More Jokes

Don’t bother with that new program on Netflix about subliminal persuasion, it’s garbage.

I turned it off after just five seasons.

I have a bumper sticker that says “honk if you think I’m sexy”

Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.

What is yellow and goes bang, bang, bang, bang?

a 4-door banana

It’s a good thing that video displays the lyrics-- if you didn’t know the proper spelling of a certain word, that could result in a big misunderstanding! :face_with_raised_eyebrow:

Yes, that would clearly be an unfortunate and not-at-all-intended misunderstanding.

Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3s, 5s and 7s?

Because they can’t even.

I never really liked Nearly Headless Nick in the Harry Potter franchise.

He was a poorly executed character.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

Nothing is better than complete happiness.
A ham sandwich is better than nothing.
Therefore, a ham sandwich is better than complete happiness.

Unless you’re Jewish.

A Rabbi and a Catholic priest by chance end up sitting on a park bench. After a period of silence the priest leans toward the rabbi and says “I’ve always been curious! Have you ever eaten ham?”

After a moment the rabbi whispers “Confidentially, yes … yes I have !”

A few minutes later he leans over to the priest and asks “Your turn … have you ever had sex with a woman?”

The priest looks around then whispers “Well, yes, I have to confess I have!”

The rabbi replies “Better than ham, isn’t it !”

Bacon, on the other hand…

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.

VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys I’m not saying it.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line” Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

I got kidnapped by a group of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me.

A man is looking downtown for his new proctologist, whom he has an appointment with. He looks far and wide, and up and down. Finally he realizes that the office is the one with a large pocket watch hanging over the door.

When the man finally sees the proctologist, he asks him. ‘Why do you have the image of a large pocket watch hanging over your office door?’ The proctologist replies, ‘Well, what do you think I should have then?’

I don’t get it. Pulp Fiction reference?

I’ve heard the same joke told about a mohel (ritual circumcizer). But this puts me in mind of a joke about a rabbi.

One day, a man from the IRS shows up on the rabbi’s doorstep and asks him what they do with all the matzah crumbs left over from Passover services. “We package them up and send them back to the Streit’s factory and every once in a while, they send us a box of Matzah.” “Very good”. says the taxman and goes away. Six months later the man is back asking what they do with the dregs of wine left over from services. “We collect them and send them back to Manischewitz and every once in a while they send us a bottle of wine.” “Very good” says the taxman and goes away. Six months later he is back, asking what they do with foreskins left from ritual circumcisions. “We collect them and send them to the IRS and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you.”

I thought they’d send them out, and once in a while they’d get some calamari. :stuck_out_tongue:

A young man is engaged to a beautiful young woman. One day he goes to visit her at the house where she lives with her sister and parents.

Her sister, who is, if anything, even more attractive than his fiancée, opens the door in a sheer neglige and says “my sister is out shopping with our parents. They’ll be gone for hours. I have a confession to make— I’ve always been extremely attracted to you. Can we make love, just this once, to get it out of my system before you marry my sister? I promise I won’t tell a soul.”

With that she starts to walk up the stairs, saying seductively. “come join me in my bedroom; I’ll be ready”.

The man immediately runs out the front door toward his car…

Where he sees his fiancée and her parents standing outside with smiles on their faces. The sister comes out smiling too, now with a modest robe on.

The father says “sorry about tricking you son, but we had to make sure you’re the right man for our little girl, and you passed with flying colors. Welcome to the family!,” The father shakes the young man’s hand heartily.

Meanwhile, the young man is thinking “thank God I keep my condoms in the glove box of my car!”

A mohel decides to retire. Thing is, he saved all the foreskins and wants something to commemorate his work. He takes them to a leather worker and explains.

“I’ll see what I can do,” the leather guy replies. “Check back in a week.”

So he does and the guy hands him a wallet. “All those foreskins made just one wallet?”

“Yeah but if you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.”

Girl: What are your plans today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we’ll see.

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body…

I suppose the freezer wasn’t the best place to hide it.

On the first day God created the heavens, the earth and the Conservative

Conservative looked around and said “eh, I liked it better yesterday!”

There was a mohel who performed so many circumcisions that he was known as Max the Knife.

Q. Why don’t anteaters ever get sick?

A. They’re full of antie-bodies.

A termite with false teeth walks into a saloon. He asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

Two cows are grazing in a field.

One asks the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?”

“Haha, why should I? I’m a helicopter.”

Two fortune tellers meet each other.

One of them says:

“Hello! Your day was fine. How about mine?”

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.