More Jokes

An unexpected knighthood is a sir prize.

and an unexpected knighthood of a chicken is a pullet sir prize.

I do like a good pun, and props to Prof. Pepperwrinkle for that cleverly punny turn of phrase.

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stopped into a bar called “Dick’s” across the street for a drink.

“Hey what can I get you?” asked Dick.

“How about a daiquiri?”

The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar.

He takes a sip and loves it. “Whoa that’s great. What’s your secret?”

“A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra.” The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops.

One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favorite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand.

The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another…

“Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?”

“No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”


Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he finishes his drink, the bartender asks him if he would like another. Descartes replies, “No, I think not,” and disappears in a puff of logic.


Pavlov is sitting in a bar enjoying a drink when another patron enters and a bell on the door rings. Jumping up, Pavlov exclaims, “Oh shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!”


Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman.

An Englishman goes into an American diner and orders the soup of the day. When he sees it he says disgustedly, ‘Good lord! What is this?’ The waitress replies, ‘It’s bean soup.’ The Englishman says, ‘I don’t care what it’s been! What is it now?

morris owned a department store and was doing pretty good business and all of a sudden business slumped off cause a dollar store opened and being worried he went to his temple kneeled at the altar hey god its me max I need to win the lottery cause that store is starting to kill me thanks … he stood up and went home

Well the week came and went but business was worse because the dollar store expanded to selling clothing so morris goes to the temple and kneels and says hey god things are getting worse Now they’re selling clothes at prices I can’t match I really need to win the money this week please help

Once again nothing happens and they’re no customers as the store expanded to sell housewares and light furniture…morris is now facing bankruptcy so in a last-ditch effort, he goes to the temple visibly upset and says o god why have you forsaken me? m faithful to my wife I help out the charities… I don’t even cheat on my taxes he begins sobbing … please god I need to win that money

A voice from the heavens says "morris you honor me too much … but you gotta go buy a ticket first

This joke would be much improved with punctuation.

Way back when the West was full of towns that as yet had no names, John and his son were travelling westward with their friend Al.

Al had told John that his only goal in life was to have a town named after him. He had also told the boy, who was a very very polite young man who said, “Yes, Sir.”

One day Al was terribly ill and could not travel any more. He told John, "Just leave me here so I won’t slow you down. But be sure not to forget … Name A Town After Me. "

“Yeah, sure, Al. I won’t forget.”

Next morning as John and his boy trudged on westward Al shouted one more time, “Name a town after me!”

Then he heard the boy’s voice from the distance saying, “I’ll make sure he does it, Mr. Buquerque.”

My inner editor couldn’t resist.

Did you hear about the Irish psychiatrist?

Instead of a couch, he had a Murphy bed.

You may never alter the words inside a quote box for ANY reason, ever. That is a hard and fast rule here and must be obeyed at all times.

Parts of a quote box may be cut out for brevity, e.g. reducing it to the one paragraph to which you are replying, but any alteration of any kind is totally forbidden.

Do not do this again.



Two businessmen meet on the beach in Florida, both obviously recently retired. They bring each other up to date on their lives:

1st businessman: “My business was killing me. The suppliers were shipping shoddier and shoddier merchandise. The customers were always coming back with complaints. The taxes kept going up and up. The only thing that saved me was that the store caught on fire one night. I took the insurance money and retired.”

2nd businessman: “I was pretty much in the same situation. Then there was a torrential rain, and my business was flooded out. I also took the insurance money and retired.”

1st businessman: “Just between us ---- who do you contact to arrange for a flood?”

WTH? All he did was copy-edit the joke. He didn’t do it for deceptive reasons. Cool your jets Mod!

The rule is absolute. Furthermore, if you have a problem with moderation, you must take it to the ATMB thread. Do not argue with moderator instructions in any forum other than ATMB.


You can copy/paste and edit to your heart’s content, but you can’t put the result inside Quote tags. You may not attribute something to someone that they did not actually write.

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because** Oct 31 = Dec 25.

9 more here, explained:

HE DIDN’T DO IT FOR DECEPTIVE PURPOSES! That was the reason the rule was instituted. All bob_2 did was make the joke easier to read and understand. Where is the malicious intent?

If he hadn’t used the quote feature, it would have been kosher, correct?

Relevant previous ATMB thread on the subject.. That one’s locked but if it doesn’t answer your questions you can always open a new one.

Thank you! Do you have an app for this? I know I’d love the content of many of nightshadea’s posts, but I just can’t read them. Sorry for the hijack.

3 years ago I met the girl of my dreams, and asked her for a first date. Yesterday I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.