Stealing. Removing ‘Spock’, and replacing ‘Kirk’ with another name.
Gee, I wonder which name you’ll replace ‘Kirk’ with? 
I went to a store called Furniture Liquidators.
Inside there was just a really big blender.
How do you do a jigsaw puzzle of U2?
You always start with The Edge.
How do you make Donald read?
Print whatever it is on McDonalds wrappers.
Which president was the first to support scientific studies?
Ulysses S. Research Grant.
I say, I say, how is sex like snow for a single person?
You never know how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
That would be telling.
It didn’t sell waterbeds??
I’m here all week, folks! Try the veal, and don’t forget to tip your servers.
OK. Last one. (No! No more, please!!)
What do you get if you take Bambi, poke his eyes out with a red-hot poker and cut his legs off while he’s having sex?
“STILL F***ING NO EYE-DEER!!!”
What do you call two idiots in a blizzard?
Numb and Number.
Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?
She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.
What did Richard III say when the snowstorm stranded him several miles from his campsite?
Now is the winter of our distant tent.
All these rumors of massive snowstorms in the South don’t bother me.
They’re just flake news.
Abner, Brian and Chumley find themselves stuck in a snowstorm on what was supposed to be a charming cabin getaway.
Upon running out of food, Abner decides he will venture out into the storm to search for something to eat.
Later that night he returns with a rabbit. The others are very excited and ask “How did you get this?”
“Easy, found tracks, followed tracks, nabbed a rabbit.”
Days later they next send out Brian who returns later that day with a turkey.
“How did you get this?”
“Easy, found tracks, followed tracks, nabbed a turkey.”
When that had run out it was Chumley’s turn to go and forage.
He returned much later that day, covered in blood and bruises. Chumley had a broken leg and had only barely managed to drag herself back to the cabin.
The others were very concerned and asked him, “How did this happen?”
“Found tracks, followed tracks, got hit by a train”
Well, yeah, lots of security stations do a CAT scan, nowadays. Was there a lab test, too?
After champion Olympic skier Picabo Street retired from skiing, she became a nurse in the intensive care unit of her local hospital.
She answered the phone with “Picabo, ICU”.
As the near-sighted old lady who saw an elephant eating hay with what she thought was its tail said, “If I told you, you’d never believe me.”
What’s the difference between a computer and an American?
The American doesn’t have trouble shooting.
If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.
Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.
The wife just gave me a massive lecture for throwing a snowball at our son.
To top it off, I’ve been banned from the maternity ward.
The Indianapolis Colts walk into a bar
To watch the Super Bowl.
I have a bag of circular pretzels.
They’re not knots. They’re noughts.
I have 11 New Year Resolutions…
- Never make resolutions
- Be accepting of paradoxes
- Use the binary number system more often
Whenever anyone asks me if I think the Browns can go to the Superbowl, I always say “Yeah, they’re pretty well-paid, they can afford tickets”.
Suggestion: “They’re noughts, not knots.”
Either way, it reminded me of ‘Guatemala quatah dollah’. (I checked, and I did post that one at some point.)
Cheesecake Boat.
