More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
7252

I can’t believe the movie Groundhog Day came out in 1993…

Feels like it was just yesterday.

The job ad said, “We’re looking for someone who can really push the envelope.”

So now I’m a mailman.

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Iona.

Iona who?

Iona doorbell, ever thought of getting one yourself?

I saw a 90-year old hip-hop artist last night.

His name is Busta Hip.

Trevor Noah, last night:

“The last time Lauryn Hill performed at the Grammys was in 1999 — back in 1999 the president had a sex scandal, people thought computers were going to destroy the world, and Diddy was arrested.” “Boy how times have changed!”

7253

People have always thought computers were going to destroy the world. This is true even of the times before computers were first built. Long before then, people could imagine how they could be built and were afraid of them:

7254

Disclaimer…May have been AI generated​:grin:

7255

Papa mole and Mama mole are nosing out of their burrow with Baby mole close behind.

Papa: Mmmm. I smell honey.

Mama: That’s maple, dear.

Papa: No, I’m quite sure it’s honey.

Mama: Ma-a-aple.

Baby: All I smell is molasses.

7256

Honey, I just bought these special Olympic style condoms!

Wife- “Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?”

Husband- “They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

Wife- “Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?”

Husband- “Gold, of course!”

Wife- “Why don’t you wear silver, It would be nice If you came second for a change.”

Last year I bought my wife a new broom for Valentine’s Day.

She was so mad she wouldn’t even take it for a ride!

Wife: -“Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?”

Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"

Wife: -“Yes. I promise”

Husband: -“I slept with your sister.”

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

What do you get when you have Avogadro’s number of donkeys?

Molasses.

7257

7258

Sadly, I don’t get that one.

7259

(a) Mole (of) asses

7260

One mole is an aggregate of exactly 6.02214076×1023elementary entities (approximately 602 sextillion or 602 billion times a trillion), which can be atoms, molecules, ions, ion pairs, or other particles. The number of particles in a mole is the Avogadro number (symbol N0) and the numerical value of the Avogadro constant (symbol NA) has units of mol−1.[1]

7261

Ever since I moved to Canada, I have been calling the Toronto (former) hockey arena the Make Believe Gardens.

7262

Thank you. I should have gotten that.

7263

So you’d use Bronze for a three-some?

7264

A man walks into a bar, and asks for a Planters Punch. The bartender tells him he has to get in line.

But there was no punch line.

7265
7266

i treated my date like royalty–I took her to Burger King and Dairy Queen

I’ll leave now

7267

Does she like Vietnamese food? You could take her to Pho King.

7268

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for.

The Winter Olympics.

Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

The Easter Bunny joined the Olympics.

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

I say, I say, what do you call a pirate therapist?

A private ear.

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

7269

The Olympian gold medalist in cross-country-skiing was being interviewed on TV…

And it came up in the interview that, what with training and all, he hadn’t seen his wife for more than a year.

The interviewer asked, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “So, what’s the first thing you plan to do when you get home, then?”

The gold medalist blushed furiously and said “No, no, I can’t answer that on television, that is way too personal! Why don’t you ask me, instead, the second thing I will do when I get home?”

“Al lright, fine, what is the second thing you will do when you get home?”

And with the same twinkle in his eye, the gold medalist responded, “I will put my skis down.”

I went skiing for the first time

I became a tree hugger.

Why are the corners of an ice rink round?

Because if they were square, they’d be 90 degrees, and the ice would melt.

I recently took a pole.

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

What was even more useful than the first telephone?

The second telephone.

7270

Sorry to hear it, Sonny.

7271

You really felt the need to Cher that?

mmm