I’m sure that Liam would Neesom consolation too.
Hey relax, don’t get out over your skis about it.
This thread is going downhill fast.
mmm
Trying to think of more ski puns, but I think that’s slalom.
I always après-skiate hot cocoa after a day on the slopes.
Two drunks are staggering down Lexington Avenue in Manhattan one of them misses seeing the steps to the subway at 59th Street and tumbles down them. Undeterred his buddy presses southward until at 51st Street the missing man comes staggering up the stairs.
“Where have you been?”
“Oh, some guy’s basement – boy, you oughta see the train set he has down there!”
I’d rather get piste.
A frog called the Psychic Hotline.
“You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you,” the psychic told him.
The frog said, “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” said the psychic, “Next term – in her biology class.”
An IT support technician started working at a hospital.
His old motto “Have you tried turning it off and and again?” wasn’t very well received by the patients on life support.
An ego and a superego walk into a bar
The bartender says “I’m gonna need to see some id.”
Americans always like everything bigger -
that’s why when they found out about the World Cup, they decided they needed to create the Super Bowl.
When I get distracted, I lose my train of thought.
When my Sheldon Cooper gets distracted, he loses his thoughts of trains.
What do you call an unforgettable GI procedure?
A Nat King Colonoscopy.
(came up with this one myself)
mmm
Good one, MMM!
What do you call a pigsty in winter?
A Pigloo
I used to be a professional skier.
It all went downhill from there.
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent.
As Mary Todd Lincoln once said:
“Would it kill you to take me to a show every once in a while!?”
I have a spreadsheet of all the Abe Lincoln jokes.
I call them my Lincoln logs.
I heard the first one with a variation:
“Why was Trump sorry Russia was banned from the Winter Olympics?”
“Now he has no one to root for.”
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional comedian - they’re not laughing now!
Yesterday - I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
I call my dog “Hickory”.
He has a rough bark.
I call my dog “Tax”.
Every time I open the door - in come Tax.
I call my dog “Street Vendor”.
He does his business on the sidewalk.
Did you see that scientists recently crossed DNA of a cheetah with a crab? It went sideways real fast.
For Valentine’s Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.
At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.
It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m inundated!
Sorry, I meant that I’m in, undated.
For Valentine’s Day I made a chart of past relationships…
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
This Valentine’s Day, I’m sending telepathic gifts.
Because it’s the thought that counts.
I spent Valentine’s Day the old fashioned way -
Running around in a diaper shooting arrows at people.
My Valentine is like the square root of -100…
A 10, but imaginary.
For Valentines Day I bought my girlfriends beads for her abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
When shopping for Valentine’s day cards, I found one saying “Baby, you’re the only one for me.”
Great slogan, so I took twelve.
I had a Barack Valentines Day
Obama self.
I received a bunch of flowers for Valentines Day with the heads cut off.
I think I was being stalked.
Try that any other day of the year, and they’d throw you in jail or the nuthouse.
Also on Valentine’s Day, but any other day of the year, as well.
A 747 is flying over the ocean when the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve lost an engine. No cause for alarm, we can fly safely on three. We will, however, be an hour late.”
Thirty minutes later, the pilot announces, “We’ve lost a second engine. No cause for alarm, we can fly safely on two. We will, however, be two hours late.”
An hour later, the pilot comes back: “We’ve lost a third engine. No cause for alarm, we can fly safely on one. We will, however, be three hours late.”
One passenger turns to another and says, “If that last engine quits, we’ll be up here all day!”
My wife and I just got back from a trip to Mexico. It was so beautiful, there, it was more than just a paradise.
It was more like a dozen dice!
I tried that one out on my wife at our last breakfast in Mexico, and got no reaction. I said “did you hear me? It was more than just a….” My wife: “I heard you”. 
how do you know when a man is henpecked?
when he walks down the aisle and says "I do, don't I dear?"
My wife treats me like a GOD
she serves me burnt offerings