Interviewer: “We’re looking for someone who takes on responsibility.”
Me: "That’s me. At my last job, whenever something went wrong, I was responsible "
Lyric from the Lyle Lovett song “She’s No Lady”:
The preacher asked her, and she said, “I do”
The preacher asked him, and she said, “he does too”
thanks, always go back to the original
Pres. Woodrow Wilson on Pres. Chester A. Arthur:
A non-entity with side whiskers.
William Clafin on Pres. Ulysses S Grant:
Early in 1869 the cry was for ‘no politicians’ but the country did not mean ‘no brains’.
Henry Clay on Pres. Andrew Jackson:
I cannot believe that the killing of 2,000 Englishmen at New Orleans qualifies a person fro the various difficult and complicated duties of the presidency.
Alexander Hamilton on Pres. Thomas Jefferson:
The moral character of Jefferson was repulsive. Continually puling about liberty, equality and the degrading curse of slavery, he brought his own children to the hammer, and made money of his debaucheries.
Pres. Richard M. Nixon on Pres. Lyndon B. Johnson:
People said that my language was bad, but, Jesus, you should have heard LBJ!
I’m just seeing a message which says :-
imgbb.com
upgrade to a pro
account to embed
images in emails
…was Clay trying to lose an election?
Superman: “Lex! You just nuked an island to kill your business rivals?!”
Lex Luthor: “It was Epstein Island.”
Superman: “…Alright, now I’m conflicted.”
Why did the Chinese cancel New Year’s?
Everybody was kung fu fighting…
A horse walks into a bar
“Hey” says the bartender.
“How did you know my order?” replies the horse.
Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?
They fast during Ramadan!
Mardi Gras reminds me how much inflation changes things.
Beads used to buy you the island of Manhattan, now you only get two coconuts.
A penitent man decided to give up sex for the Lenten season.
His wife was not informed of this situation, however. One the second night after Ash Wednesday, she showed some interest in relations. Rebuffing her advances he said, “I’m sorry, honey–I can’t. It’s Lent.”
Angrily, she replied, “To whom and how long?”
A newlywed couple were trying to decide what to give up for Lent.
After much agonizing, they decided to give up sex. To make it easier, they decided to sleep in separate bedrooms for the duration. At the crack of Easter sunrise, the girl hears a loud knock on the door. “Oh honey!” she says “I know what you’re knocking for!” He replies “Yeah, but you don’t know what I’m knocking with!”
A jealous husband to his wife: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
Wife: “I suppose. I would just need to figure out a way to come up with that kind of money.”
A Mobius strip sits down at a bar, looking miserable. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
And the Mobius strip says, “Where do I start?”
What’s the difference between a 3d printer and a step stool?
Well, the former’s a former and the latter’s a ladder.
God proclaimed there shall be peace in all corners of the world…
then he made the world round.
I went to the gym the other day and my favourite machine was broken.
Couldn’t get any chocolate or Coke or anything.
Good thing they had on big red boots so you could find them
Your teeth are like stars -
They come out at night.
You look melancholy -
You have a head like a melon, and a face like a collie.
Your nose is like a basketball -
It dribbles all over the floor.
Your teeth are like pearls.
Pearl takes hers out every night.
Your ears are like flowers.
Cauliflowers.
From the works of P.D.Q. Bach:
For your hair is your crown,
Which you remove when you retire
And your breath is like down
wind of a compost heap on fire
With your eyes black as nuns,
Like nuns they cross themselves each day
And your face like the sun
…set over Pittsburgh, U.S.A.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer.”
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”
There once was a pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
What’s the main rule of the Insomnia Olympics?
You snooze, You lose.
If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide…
Imagine how surprised he must have been.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.
Now I’m in the hospital, waiting to be seen.
Stay away from the vanishing cream.
How dare you change my quote to make it look like I’m an
ignorant bastard who doesn’t know how to add a period (or full stop
as it’s known here) at the end of my sentence, I’m going to report
your post to the mods. Yes, of course I’m joking !