How many copy editors does it take to change a light bulb?
In the last reference this was jazz musicians. It seems inconsistent. Does this need to be changed?
I have the memory of an elephant.
I remember this one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
Narcissists don’t use light bulbs. They use gaslighting.
A blind man walks into a bar…
And a table… and chairs… and people.
You can’t perform a religious ceremony with only using a few parts of a ladder.
Two rungs don’t make a rite.
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
The spaghetto.
Ted comes home and says to his wife “my friend Bob just accused me of being a gambling addict”.
“What happened?” asked his wife, surprised.
“Well, I admitted that the $5k I borrowed from him last week that I needed for home repairs, I actually gambled away and lost all of it. I asked him if he could lend me some more money. That’s when he accused me of being addicted”.
“Are you sure he didn’t just say ‘you’re a dick, Ted.’?”
I’ll channel our dearly departed Colibrí and note the Mexican bird is a “chachalaca,” with a ch in the middle there.
Bravo, smithsb!
I used to date a girl with the same name as my mother.
I wasn’t allowed to say her name during sex because it reminded her of my girlfriend
Seconded!
how many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
none, they use candles
how many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
none, they don’t believe in change
You should all be out there investigating Dark Stuff in the universe.
Thank you for your attention to this Matter.
“If you don’t go to college, you’ll only be flipping burgers.”
“But if you do go to college, you’ll be flipping burgers with crippling debt.”
How did Pres. George Washington get around?
On Air Horse One.
I’ve been trying to give up innuendo for Lent…
But it’s so hard, and longer than I realized.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging…
…that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
I say, I say, I bought an umbrella with the brand name Napoleon.
On a breezy day it was blown apart.
A metal difluoride is the universe’s smallest F-F-M threesome.
Why were Ernest Hemingway’s sentences so short?
It’s hard to type long sentences when you have cats.
A guy runs into his psychiatrist’s office.
And says “Doc, I had the weirdest dream last night. I was a child again, walking in the park with my mother, but she had your face.”
“Then what happened?”
“Well, I woke up and was so freaked out I got dressed, had a Coke, and immediately came here.”
The doctor is silent for a bit, then says “A Coke? That’s breakfast?”
What do you call someone who attends both Catholic and Protestant church services?
They’re bisectual
Do you know why Hindu worship Lord Ganesha foremost?
Because we have to first address the elephant in the room.
I think the worst thing about censorship is…
[redacted]
Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary!
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
An American and an Irishman order a beer at a bar.
The Irishman pulls out his money to pay and the American notices that the bills are all different colors.
“Who makes your money, Monopoly?” he asks sarcastically.
The Irishman looks over and responds “Who makes your beer, Kool Aid?”
What do you call someone who has no preference for paper sacks or plastic sacks at the grocery store?
They are bisacksual.
Mary had a little lamb
The lamb began to sicken
So Mary sold him to a canner
And now he’s labeled “chicken”.