Mary had a little lamb,
A little pork, a little ham,
An ice-cream float, some soda fizz,
And now how sick our Mary is.
Mary had a little lamb I’m sure you’ve heard before
But did you know she passed her plate and asked for a little more?
I’ve cheated on my wife five times. First was Mary, then Susie, then Agnes, then Sally, and finally Joan.
My doctor told me I needed to put my affairs in order.
(this came to me during a tv show last night)
Good one.
But maybe it should be “third was Mary, most recent was Susie, first was Agnes, fourth was Sally, and second was Joan”.
mmm
My wife found out I cheated on her multiple times. It didn’t go well, I’m in the ER and the doc told me to put my affairs in order.
So… alphabetical or chronological?
If Donald Trump talks about “fake news” during his speech tonight..
Does that make it the State of the Onion?
Sometimes February feels like it will last forever…
But time Marches on.
A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.
It was his life savings.
People are too judgmental nowadays.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Did you hear about the librarian that was killed in an earthquake?
She was crushed by a title wave.
They say there was a secret ooze
That turned reptiles into dudes
But you were never into turtles, were ya?
It’s a cold and it’s a broken “Cowabunga”.
Oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorus walk into a bar.
The bartender says: OH SNaP!
People with photographic memories —
Are they born with it or does it take time to develop?
I’m starting a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there tomorrow.
The Jedi don’t do exercises that target the body, or butt.
Cause only a Sith deals with abs or glutes.
I’m a very fast learner.
It only took me 3 months to learn the names of all 32 chess pieces.
Yeah, that one definitely gets shared.
This one has probably already been told, but I couldn’t find it on a cursory search.
The chemical formula for sodium citrate—the secret ingredient that makes cheese sauce smooth—is Na3C6H5O7.
When you remove the numbers, it spells out NaCHO.
(I tried to use brackets and <> to make subscripts, but it didn’t work.)
I have a photographic memory.
Unfortunately, I’m so old it seems that it’s no longer possible to get it developed.
Little Johnny took a drink
And then he was no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4
Little Johnny washed his face
His face, we’ll never see
For what he thought was H2O
Was HNO3
Books I read lately…
“How to write big books “ by Warren Peace .
“The Lion Attacks “ by Claude Yarmoff .
“The art of archery “ by Beau N. Arrow .
“Songs For Children “ by Barbara Blacksheep .
“Irish Heart Surgery “ by Angie O’Plasty .
“Desert Crossing “ by I. Rhoda Camel .
“School Truancy “ by Marcus Absent .
“Stop Arguing “ by Xavier Breath .
“Post Offices in the Philippines “ by Imelda Letter .
“Shhh !!! “ by Danielle Soloud .
“I Lost My Balance “ by Eileen Dover and. Phil Down .
“I was a. Cloakroom. Attendant “ by Mahatma. Coate .
“How to Play a Stringed Instrument” by Amanda Lynn
“The Art of the Kiss” by Bessie May Mucho.
“How to get out of Chairs” by Stan Dupp.
“A History of Nuclear Weapons” by Adam Baum.
“Professional Drywall Repair” by Phil McCracken.
“The Art of Conversation” by Bob Loblaw.
Ones I remember from my childhood…
“50 Yards to the Outhouse” by Willy Makeit
Illustrated by Betty Wont
“Yellow River” by I. P. Daily
“Beneath the Bleachers” by Seymore Butts
Under the Grandstand, by Seymour Butts.
ISTR that Andy Diddent had something to do with that publication.
Not I.P. Freely?
I have a pornographic memory…
The Afterword?
What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?
The Pulp.
As an author I was excited about moving into a neighborhood with exclusively author residents…
But I’ve come to regret it, now I’m constantly in a writers block.
Who says sequels don’t work?
Look at the fanbase for the New Testament!
Reviews for Hogwarts Legacy are coming in.
Most reviewers are giving it a 9 3/4 depending on the platform.base.
Did you hear about the author who writes using invisible ink?
Here’s a list of his books:
“Decorating Your Backyard” by @Paddy_O_Furniture