Star Trek crewman asking 7 of 9, “Do Borg ships have junk food like chips, candy, other snacks?”
7 of 9, “Of course.”
Crewman, “Where do they get them?”
7 of 9, “every ship is equipped with a 7 of 11,”
Yeah, Johnny_L.A, I’ve got a lot of pornographic memories, but I no longer have a pornograph to play them on.
AI would have told him to use a bigger pan.
I know a woman who peddles batteries on the playground.
She sells C-cells by the seesaw.
Celebrate the Ides of March with a donut. In fact…
Eat two, Brute.
Saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth this morning
She was down to her final 4!
The Asylum is making a movie about sharks that join forces to combat communism.
SharkNATO.
My neighbor told me he cannot pay his water bill.
I got him a “Get Well Soon” card.
Did you hear about the woman who gave birth on the toilet?
When she calls her kid a little shit, she means it literally.
The Energizer Bunny got arrested.
Charged with battery, they put him in a dry cell.
Bill Bailey quotes:
Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn’t matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let’s go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I’ve gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let’s go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let’s go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that’s just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antarctica - that’s just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says “I’ll get these in.” What an idiot!
Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair. I call them the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability. And when I buy them, I always ask for them in the third person: “Bill Bailey would like the Eggs Of Numbing Inevitability.” I did that the other day and it answered me back, and he said to me: “No, I am Bill Bailey. You are not Bill Bailey, you are just a mere doppelgänger. I am the true Bill Bailey, in another dimension.” And I went, “Oh, I hadn’t planned on that.” Then I thought the only way to solve this, I have to run at my doppelgänger, then we will be fused forever. So I ran full-tilt at it, and just before I got there I realised it was the highly polished side of the cheese counter.
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
An Egyptian couple are very compatible. They know each others’ thoughts, they finish each others’ sentences, they even fart at the same time.
They have tutankhamun.
‘I’m following my doctor’s orders and eating nuts after a workout.’
‘Peanuts?’
‘Doughnuts.’
Two seagulls are flying over the beach.
One says, “Caw! Caw! Caw!”
The other says, “Funny, I was just about to say that.”
My brother is so stupid…
…he bought special glasses for the lunar eclipse.
I’m sorry, daddy; I’ve been naughty!
I’ve told you before, it’s “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned!”
There may be some things that only 90’s kids will remember, but there are also things that only Boomers will get.
Like Social Security.
I say, I say, what did the hooker say to the philosopher?
Fuck if I know.
When a basketball player never misses a shot, he’s a god…
When I never miss a shot, I’m an ‘alcoholic’.
A prisoner digs a hole out of jail…
… and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells “I’m free! I’m free!”
and a kids walks up and says “So big deal, I’m four!”
Why did hamburger go to the gym?
To get better buns.
I find the Miss Universe contest very suspicious.
How come every single year some one from our planet wins?
I’d tell you a chemistry joke…
…but all the good ones argon.
Are you saying we should stop with the chemistry puns-- just cesium altogether?!?
Yep, and then barium.
Look, I know you’re the Doyen of Dad Jokes, but manganese joke rules of yours get strict at times. Molybdenum rules a little bit?
Comedy gold, Jerry!
Sometimes ya tell a chemistry joke, there’s no reaction. Other times people tell you they are sodium fine.
Yeah, chemistry jokes can be hit and miss. They’re kind of periodic that way. Sometimes it takes a little concentration to get them.
I adopted a dog who had been living in a hardware store.
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.