A slightly different version:
My friend is a locksmith.
When the police were coming in the front door, he was making a bolt for the back door.
My wife gave me a jar of ‘dad jokes’. ‘100% groan-anteed quality’. Here are some of them:
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To talk to the other side.
Why did the cow win Employee of the Month?
She was udderly amazing.
I asked the dog what’s two minus two.
He said nothing.
I’m afraid of elevators.
I take steps to avoid them.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
My dad jokes are on a different level.
Ground level.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people.
But none of them work.
Want to hear something that makes you smile?
Your face muscles.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
How do cows keep up to date?
They read the moos-paper.
I met a guy in Egypt who said he could sell me a monument for only $400!
Turns out it was a pyramid scheme.
What do cannibals serve at the start of a party?
Handshakes.
My wife had a Cobra Kai period this month.
Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy.
How do you cook penis?
In a Peter Pan.
A woman reported her husband to the police, believing he’s a Chinese spy.
She did it after realising he was the only person she’d ever seen write a reply to his fortune cookie.
This is a charmingly old-fashioned way to keep up to date, but I can’t manage a butter pun with “on-line.” I know deer get keep up to date through their moose feed, though.
Bovines online
For your information, A&W stands for Founders Allen & Wright…
Not for Amburgers & Wootbeer.
A worker died, and the foreman sent a coworker to represent the company at his funeral. Afterward, the foreman asked the coworker how the funeral was.
‘Well,’ said the coworker, ‘It’s a strange custom they have. They put a gold coin over each of the deceased eyes.’
The foreman said, ‘The coins are to pay his way across the River Styx.’
‘Well,’ said the coworker, ‘I hope he can swim. Because I have the coins in my pocket!’
The coffee shop had a sign: NO WIFI PRETEND IT’S 1973.
So I paid a dime for the coffee and lit a cigarette.
“How did you come to fall in?” asked the old lady as she pulled a young boy out of the creek.
“I didn’t come to fall in, I came to fish!”
TODAY’S WORK FROM HOME TIP:
Blowing on the wine in your mug will help convince your zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
You can take the Ayatollah of Iran; but you can’t take Trump out of the Epstein files.
A couple at a fine dining restaurant: “We don’t eat eggs, meat, dairy, fish, or gluten. What would you recommend?”
Waiter: “A taxi.”
The cannibal coach was fired.
He couldn’t decide between the raw rookie and the seasoned veteran.
What did the leper say when he was pulled over for speeding?
“Sorry officer, I left my foot on the gas”.
Did you hear about the leper’s hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.
Why did the lepers have to end their poker game?
All the hands were in the pot.
Why do mice have such small balls?
With the costs of renting a hall, tuxedos, etc., few can afford it.
Thanks to Daylight Savings Time . . .
My girlfriend thinks I lasted an hour and two minutes.
Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also International Women’s Day.
Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.
Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I’m walking around my house thinking wow…
…times have changed.
Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury
I need to buy a smaller sundial.
I can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory…
after all the extra hours I put in.
Q. Who has bigger balls, policemen or firemen?
A. It depends on who sells the most tickets.
In which Indian city do people abandon their elderly mothers?
Mumbai.
Grandpa, “What has four legs but isn’t alive?”
Emma, “A chair, nice try grandpa.”
DARK HUMOR ALERT!
Grandpa, “It’s your dog, Emma. He’s dead.”
“Did you hear about what happened to the woman who ran into a werewolf at night last week?”
“He’s suing her for damage and injuries.”