Howl much for?
“Why hasn’t the Tolkien Estate released a Lord of the Rings inspired cookbook called the Simmer-illion yet?”
My wife keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Gandalf!”, and “Mordor!”.
Always Tolkien in her sleep…
A brief history of Ancient Greek culture
Greece before Alexander the Great: Kinda nistic.
Greece after Alexander the Great: Hella nistic.
A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.
“How much do you want to deposit?” asks the bank employee.
Whispers the man, “Three million.”
“You can speak up,” says the bank clerk. “In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace.”
England has no kidney bank but…
It does have a Liverpool.
The letters I, Z, R and E walked into a bar.
The result was bizarre.
Did you knock on doors as a kid, and run away before people could answer?
Amazon is hiring.
On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.
Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.
They are doing a new sequel to the movie “March of the Penguins”
They are calling it “April of the Penguins!”
Behind every successful man is a woman
and behind her is his wife!
- Groucho Marx
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell
They come with an Elon Musk.
While most puns make me feel numb…
…Math puns make me feel number.
Here’s one I thought up in the wee hours of the morning…
A blonde came home from running errands, saw her neighbor and said “I was just in town and saw your husband had gotten into a traffic accident”.
“What happened, was he hurt?” The neighbor nervously asked.
The blonde said “he was decapitated”.
“Oh my God no, how horrible!” the neighbor starts to cry.
“There, there” the blonde says. “It’s not that bad-- other than getting the ball cap knocked clean off his head, he seemed fine”.
I say, I say, why did the calf walk around its mom?
To get to the udder side.
The Atheist Robot:
Nobody built me. I evolved from a vacuum cleaner.
What I was young, I used to dream of being an astronaut.
But my mom said, “The sky’s the limit.”
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, you better not be starting something.”
Did you hear they found a dinosaur in the Epstein Files?
It was a pte[redacted]yl.
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat.
f I rated my love for you from 1-10 it’d be pi
Because it is both infinite, and not that much.
My friend decided to get a tattoo of the symbol pi on his face.
It was an irrational decision.
Why should you never talk to Pi?
He’ll go on and on forever…
Pi Day compliment:
Wow, you look radian today.
Happy Pi Day tomorrow!
Og, the caveman, is inside the cave poking at the fire. His wife rushes in from outside.
“Og! Og! A sabretooth tiger is chasing Mother!” Og continues to poke at the fire. “Aren’t you going to do something?”
Og shrugs. “What do I care what happens to a stupid, old tiger?”
What what what ?!
Ok, When I was young…
Who you was young
Where you was young
Why you was young
And why is Gamora?
The scene. (Should be cued to 1:08.)
I really love Drax.
I see people my age out there zip-lining and mountain climbing and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my legs through my underwear without losing my balance.
We’re really out here living the most difficult section of someone’s 2075 history exam.
It’s that Chinese curse come full force.
If you eat too much cake, everyone knows that’s the sin of gluttony.
But you can eat as much pie as you want, because the sin of pi is nothing.
Yes, it says in Genesis, chapter 4, verse 14159265359 . . . that if you go round in a circle, you will commit no evil.
My Oscars speech
I have to thank my arms for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me and my fingers because i could always count on them.
Just found out that the Oscars is a big fat lie all the way along.
Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors.
Britain has invented a new missile.
It’s called the civil servant - it doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.
Did you hear about the old intercontinental ballistic missile that couldn’t get hard?
He had projectile dysfunction.
Dark humor is like food in Africa.
Not everybody gets it.
If I tried to combine the DNA from an opossum, a billy goat, and a manatee…
Would that be a possibility?