A couple meet on a dating cruise. On the last night of the cruise the man says. “I’ve really fallen for you and I want us to keep seeing each other but I have to be honest. My therapist recommended this cruise to get my mind off golf. I’m obsessed with golf. I live and breath golf.”
The woman replies, “I’ve actually really fallen for you too but if we are being honest…I’m a hooker.”
“That’s OK. All we need to do is shorten your grip, adjust your stance and I’m sure we can fix that!”
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, “Lady, I’ll give you $10 for a blow job.” The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, “Thank you, suh, for defendin’ mah honor!” Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, “Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!”
In a similar vein,
World War II, occupied France. In a train compartment sit a German officer, a French resistance fighter, a young woman, and an older woman. The train passes into a tunnel and everything goes black. There is the sound of a kiss, then a sharp smack. The train exits the tunnel and everything is as it was except the officer’s left eye is swelling shut.
The old woman is thinking, “How brave of that girl to resist the advances of our oppressors.”
The young woman is thinking, “How odd he should press himself on the old woman and not me.”
The officer is thinking, “That’s the French for you: He gets the kiss, I get the blame.”
The resistance fighter is thinking, “I am such a clever Frenchman. I kiss the back of my hand, punch the bastard in the face, and nobody’s the wiser.”
For our IT professionals:
Except that, often, the problem is companies spending lots of money to create their own amateur cybersecurity instead of using one of the free packages that actually works.
“Since I’m adopted, does that make me the Chosen One?”
I came close, but no sugar.
Fish and Ships.
Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next?
Really poor taste at funerals.
The only thing about it that consoles me is there’s a parallel universe where Watergate Hotel was instead named after John Hancock.
They just got encaged.
Including Watergategate?
Wasn’t there a similar trend of -dome scandals, at one point?
Ah, that was but a tempest in a teapot.
“I’ve developing a game where you have to go back in time to assassinate Adam. It’s a First Person Shooter.”
That’s the ultimate Grandfather Paradox.
Elongate would be really drawn out.
“Not enough people came.”
– Stephen Colbert
Apparently none of them could sing, either.
There’s too much plastic in our oceans.
Darth Brooks.
No idea who was more pissed: the funeral home he worked for, or the family of the deceased.
…it only had 150 trilobytes of memory.
So… Texas?
“I wish I was rich!,” he cries.
The genies says, “Okay, Rich, what’s your other wish?”
Footprints in the butter.
When you see a road sign saying,“SURVEY TEAM AHEAD”.
They’re not actually interested in your opinions.
Your tariff rebate check is on the way!
It’s the Epson files.
…but then I took his bike away.
Apparently he likes Tibet.
Mom: Sure, but the dining table would probably be more comfortable.