I don’t get it.
And I never will, amirite? (rimshot)
Mom: There were two pieces of pie in the refrigerator this morning and now there’s only one. Can you explain that?
Child: The light was out so I missed the other one.
A reporter asked Michael Jordan how his NBA championship Bulls from the 1990s would do against the current Los Angles Lakers led by Lebron James and Luca Doncic.
Jordan: We’d win.
Reporter: Wow! By how much?
Jordan: 2 or 3 points.
Reporter: Really? That close?
Jordan: Most of us are almost 60 years old now.
A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk around the yard after a rainstorm.
Seeing worms all over the sidewalk the grandfather decided to play a little prank on his grandson. “Billy,” he says “I’ll give you ten dollars if you can take one of those worms and put it back in it’s hole.”
Thinking this to be impossible, he watched as Billy played around with a worm for a minute. Suddenly Billy drops the worm and says “I’ll be right back” and runs into the house.
Billy comes back with a can of hairspray, grabs one of the worms and sprays it down until it’s stiff enough to slip right into it’s hole.
“Well I’ll be damn.” Says the grandfather, handing over Billy’s money. “You know what son, I’ll be right back.” says the grandfather heading into the house.
About fifteen minutes later his grandfather comes out of the house and gives Billy ten dollars. “But you already gave me the ten dollars papa.” Says a confused Billy.
“That’s from your grandmother.”
An anteater walks into a bar.
The bartender asks if he can get him a drink.
The anteater responds “noooooo.”
This surprises the bartender as no one has ever declined a drink before.
He decides to ask the anteater if he’d like a basic drink, a rum and coke!
The anteater responded “nooooo” once again.
The bartender thinks to himself “hmmm, maybe this anteater doesn’t like alcohol,” so he offers the anteater a water.
The anteater responds “noooo.”
The bartender is very curious with the anteater’s answers and asks the anteater “Why the long no’s?”
Are you made from Na, selenium and xenon?
Because you are sodium SeXe.
What’s the difference between new and old hamburger meat?
One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.
What does a diplomat and a good doggy have in common?
They both want treaties.
OK, that one took me a while to get, but it was worth it.
A little boy answered the phone one day.
The caller, surprised to hear the young voice says, “Hi, is your mommy or daddy home?”.
“Mommy is busy.”
“Okay, is your daddy home?” The caller asks.
“No, daddy is busy.”
“Okay,” says the caller. “Is anyone else there?”
“The police.”
“Oh my, may I talk to one of the police officers?”
“They’re busy.”
“Okay. Is anyone else home?”
“The firefighters.”
“May I speak to one of the firefighters?”
“No,” says the boy. “They are busy.”
“My,” says the caller. “What is everyone doing?”
“They’re looking for me.”
Aladdin Banned from Flying Carpet Racing
Sources say for use of Performance Enhancing Rugs.
Who is David Tennant’s arch enemy?
David Landlord.
What do ISIS and cats have in common?
They’re both a bunch of pussies.
– Stephen Colbert
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.
Goliath Landlord?
He was mostly serious, but took time out to have a fusilli moments.
He loved watching Risotto & Isles.
Amateur chefs love company, but he was a provolone.
Jesus Christ was going to be named Steve until Mary stubbed her toe.
Very good! Did you make that one up?
I confess, I did not.
Ordering at the restaurant:
Me, “I’d like a Pepsi!”
Waiter, “We have Coke.”
Me, “Great, I’ll take a gram and the Pepsi.”
A plane carrying picnic baskets has crashed in the jungle
Rescue attempts are being hampered.
Vaginas are like gyms.
I’m rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I’m doing and hope no one notices I don’t.
Odd thing about Toy Story…
Andy’s mom’s toys are also named Woody and Buzz.
My wife makes my pancakes too thin.
Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.
Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
Me: They’re for the dogs.
Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
Me: They don’t know how.
What do you call a hive with no exit?
Unbelievable.
Further complicating rescue attempts were the sudden appearance of a large brown bear wearing a pork pie hat, collar & tie and nothing else, accompanied by a smaller bear wearing a bow tie and nothing else.
What is the moral of Toy Story?
Never play with your Woody when you have a Buzz.
Why should you never kiss a canary?
You’ll catch chirpies.
It’s a canarial disease.
There’s no tweetment.
I’ve always wondered why lemonade is made from artificial flavours…
…and furniture polish is made from real lemons ?
Leaving work, my coworker said, “Hasta lasagna!”
I replied, “Pasta la vista!”
A spider crawled into my keyboard last night…
He is still in there. I have him under control.
A cargo ship carrying a shipment of mannequins sunk to the ocean floor.
It was two thousand legs under the sea.
Only two thousand?