The head of FIFA picks up the phone. The caller says “I just need you to find me three more goals!”
I compete in an axe throwing league where we share goofy or interesting foods to try and a few years ago one of the other participants actually brought beef fizz. Unfortunately, I was not there to try it but everyone else’s description of it was not very charitable.
so all the parts of the body are arguing over who should be boss: the eye said, I see where we’re going, so I should be boss; hands said, I do the work, so I should be boss; the legs said, I take us places, so I should be boss; the brain said, I do the thinking so I should be boss. Finally, the asshole spoke up and said I should be boss, but the rest of them laughed at him, so he got mad and quit working. Now the eyes got bleary, the legs stopped walking, the hands started shaking. the brain got fuzzy, so they all said okay, you can be boss. Moral of story–you can be boss if you’re an asshole
A famous chef was best known for his perfect meringue. His meringue was in such demand that the chef decided to tour the world to show off his confection. He first went to England and presented his meringue to the crowd, electing cheers from everyone. He then took it to France and presented his meringue, electing cheers from everyone there as well. He took his meringue to Spain, Japan, and New Zealand, getting cheers from everyone in every country along the way. He ended his tour in Australia and presented his meringue but was surprised when the crowd booed him.
“I don’t understand,” the chef said to the closest person next to him. “Why aren’t they cheering?”
“Because,” he replied. “In Australia we boo meringue.”
Three guys are walking along one evening, just walking. They’re complaining about their lives, as they’re all sort of in the dumps. They’ve got no money, they’ve got no women, they’ve got no prospects.
Their path takes them across a beach and one of them trips over something in the sand. They pick it up, brush it to see what it is - and from it explodes a mighty apparation of smoke and mist, accompanied by blinding light and sound beyond hearing that pierces their hearts. Before them, standing from the lamp, is a mighty and terrifying figure in the smoke, staring at him.
The enormous being booms, “Unthuroo ya ma’shar al-faneen! Truly, I am he genie of the lamp! You have freed me from my prison of a thousand years, and so I shall grant each of you and three wishes your heart desires!” It looks at the first guy. “You, my lord; what is your first wish?”
The guy says, “Uh… well, I guess I’d like… a billion dollars!”
“So be it,” the genie says, and… the guy’s bank statement appears in his hands, and it says he has $1,000,000,009.38. He’s a billionaire!
The genie turns to the second guy. “What do you desire, master?”
The second guy says, “I can beat that… I wanna be the richest man there is!” Suddenly, he’s holding a LOT of bank statements, and he’s worth well over a trillion bucks. He’s richer than Elon Musk.
Now the genie looks at the third man and says, “What is your command?”
The third guy t says “I want my left arm to pinwheel clockwise for the rest of my life.” The genie nods, and his arm starts flailing around, spinning of its own accord.
The genie tells the first man “What is your second wish, master?”
The first guy says, “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth, a woman who is absolutely perfect for me.” POOF! A stunning beauty materializes, already embracing him. They’re already making eyes at each other. I mean, the guy and this lady are clearly deeply in love.
The genie asks the second guy what his second wish is.
The second guy says,“I want to be the most charismatic man alive, so all the world’s women want me.” The genie claps and boom, the guy looks like Ryan Gosling. Charisma is just oozing off the guy. Hell, the first guys’ wife is smiling at him.
“And you, my lord?” the genie says to the third guy.
Third guy demands, “I want my right arm to spin counter-clockwise until I die.” The gene nods his head, and now both his arms are spinning like crazy in opposite directions.
The genie says, “Sayiddi, you must now make your third and final wish.”
The first guys says, “I want perfect health, to be totally free of injury and illness, until I die at a very ripe old age.”
The genie says, “Your wish is my command.” Just like that, he instantly LOOKS healthier. He’s standing taller, his complexion is clear, this is a healthy man.
The second guy says, “I never want to grow old. I want to always be in my peak physical condition, for as long as I want.”
“Very well,” the genie says, and snaps its fingers, and the second guy looks like he’s in the best shape of anyone’s life.
The third guy smiles, knowingly, and says, “My last wish is for my head to constantly nod back and forth for the rest of my life.”
The genie claps, the man’s head starts nodding like crazy, and the genie vanishes without a trace.
The men go their separate ways, but ten years later, they meet up in a coffee shop, to catch up.
The first guy says, “Guys, my life is GREAT. I 've invested my first billion and made even more. I’m set for life, my family’s set for life, my wife’s family is set for life… oh, yeah, and we have the best marriage ever, we’re so in love and we have two beautiful kids and a third is on the way, and I’m in such good health.”
The second guy says, “My life is GREATER. I took half my trillion dollars and invested it in charities all over the world. I’ve saved so my lives that next month they’re giving me the Nobel Peace Prize. And I still have so much money, I spend all my time taking beautiful women to seven-star resorts, and I’m still in the prime of my life.”
The third guy. arms flailing and head nodding, says, “Guys… I think I fucked up.”
Here’s one I heard in the mid to late 1960s:
This guy went to a tailor and got fitted for a suit. The tailor told him to come back in a month for his suit.
After a month, the guy went back and tried it on. It didn’t look good and he realized he went to a really lousy tailor.
He said. “Look, it’s really tight at my left armpit.” The tailor told him, “Lean to the left to give it more room.” The guy did.
Then he said, “It’s much too baggy in back.” The tailor replied, “Just bend forward about 15 degrees and it will be just right.” They guy did that.
Then the guy said “The right arm was way too lose.” The tailor replied, “stretch your right arm across in front of the belly and it will look good.” The guy did.
So he left the tailor shop wearing the suit. Scrunched to the left side, bending forward, and his right arm across the front of his belly.
Two women walking down the street saw him.
“Oh. Look at that poor man. I wonder what is wrong with him.” said the first woman.
The second woman replied, “I don’t know, but that suit is fitted perfectly.”
I think you heard it on the Dick Van Dyke show, courtesy of Morey Amsterdam.
Teenage boy meeting his girlfriend’s father and shaking his hand:
“Great grip, sir, I see where she gets it from.”
How many Methodists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twelve: one to hold the ladder, one to climb the ladder, and ten to form a committee to organize a potluck to welcome the new bulb.
How many Episcopalians to change a lightbulb?
Seven: one to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and five to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The bulb will go on and off at predestined times.
How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb service, in which we will explore the number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all being equally valid paths to luminescence.
How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?
What’s a light bulb?
(From various sources, none original to me.)
Ooh, a do appreciate a good light bulb joke!
Lemme give it a try:
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
If the old bulb was good enough for 2000 years, it’s still good enough.
- [Prince John] Such an unusual name, “Latrine.” How did your family come by it?
- [Latrine] We changed it in the 9th century.
- [Prince John] You mean you changed it TO “Latrine”?
- [Latrine] Yeah. Used to be “Shithouse.”
How many factorials does it take to change a light bulb?
so a couple in their 40’s decided to go on separate vacations;
the man calls his wife and says, I’m having more fun than you are–I met a 20 year old girl and it’s great
the wife said, well, you’re wrong–I met a 20 year old guy, and everybody knows 20 goes into 40 more than 40 goes into 20
Maybe I’m missing something, but shouldn’t there be an exclamation point after that number?
Post BBQ dessert?
This is the Joke thread. The Gallery of Regrettable Food is down the hall.
The feds are now saying you can’t get medical marijuana if you’re prescribed laxatives.
Shit, or get off the pot.
How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to change the lightbulb and four to bring casseroles and green Jell-o.
I don’t think it needs one, since the answer has already been defined as a factorial.
Nice to know my vague memories of math were right because I thought the same.