Yellowstone park officials have started dressing bison as Mormon missionaries to deter visitors from approaching them.
Genie, “You have one wish. What will it be?”
Me, “So you’re telling me Mitch McConnell is a vegetable, Connor McGregor blew his knee out 15 seconds into his last bout, and Lindsey Graham is dead. I’ll just take a Coke then.”
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the other… wait… hold on…
What’s the oldest age someone can get a circumcision?
I just need the cutoff date.
What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
“The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool has been drained again for another round of repairs. “There’s a full drainage. There’s plug swaps, de-venting, re-coating, leak sealing, a flapper valve replacement.
Oh, I’m sorry, Those are procedures given to Mitch McConnell.”
– Jimmy Fallon
I used to have an irrational fear of leaving the house with the stove on.
So now I just bring the stove with me.
I was having intimate relations with another man’s wife.
We heard the garage door open, he’s home.
She, “Quick, backdoor!”
Me, “I probably should have run but this opportunity doesn’t always present itself.”
My son is at the age where he’s curious about the female body.
That’s why I had to hide it somewhere else.
At my age, missing trash day represents personal failure that I’ll be thinking about all week.
A bad day of hiking is better than a good day at work … Unless you get eaten by a bear. Then it’s a tie.
I was hospitalized for being cringe.
They put me in the awk ward.
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it ain’t three, cuz my basement is still dark as hell.
As is that joke
I thought that was just for old-school Unix scripters.
The customer ahead of me at the supermarket was being rude to the cashier, so she scanned his eyes with the barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
How many punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten - One to screw it in and nine to complain the old one was way better.
How many rudeboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One to drop it, and three to pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Doesn’t matter, punks can’t change anything.
What has 8 arms and can’t play bass for shit?
Squid Vicious
My friend asked me, “What’s punk?”
I kicked over a trash can and said, “That’s punk!”
So he kicked over a trash can and asked, “That’s punk?”
I said, “No, that’s trendy.”
Lasts night I saw a crust punk laying behind a dumpster behind the grocery store. He had one boot on.
I said “hey crust punk, you lost a boot!”
“No didn’t, I found one!”
Dang. That gave me a The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul flashback.
Adolf Hitler was born on April 20, 1889, 4/20. He really liked to smoke some Js.
That’s as funny as a screen door in a submarine.
What kind of room has no doors and no windows?
A mushroom.
You seem like a fungi to be around
No sir, there are no fungus amungus.
Too many mushroom puns. That’s maitake on the situation.