Her: What gets covered in dirt but stays clean?
Me: A corpse in a coffin.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: Soap. The answer is soap.
Me: [shrug]
Her: What is wrong with you?
That disturbance in The Force is the sound of someone in Michigan damn near peeing herself laughing.
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas ..
… till it’s old enough to graduate high school.
In the '90s, I had a cow-orker who asked me that a lot. (She also got upset that I ate my lunch in order.)
(an original)
I tried milking a cow but I had difficulty controlling the squirt.
It was beyond the pail.
When I was a teenager, my parents sent me to stay at my uncle’s dairy farm for the weekend.
He asked me if I wanted to try milking a cow. I said ‘sure’ though I was nervous-- I had never even seen a cow in real life yet at that point in my life, let alone try to milk one.
He gave me a bucket and a little stool, and pointed me toward the cow to milk. I got started, not sure what I was doing at all, but game to do my best. At first, no milk came out at all, though the cow seemed very happy and enthusiastic about the process. I guess they are really happy to be relieved of all that milk!
One odd thing I noticed was, I thought cows had, like, 4 udders or teats or whatever, but this breed just had one large one. My uncle stood watching at the doorway of the barn, laughing hysterically, I guess because I was doing such a bad job. But I kept at it, and eventually the milk suddenly came out all at once. It took awhile, but I got the job done!
With self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before there’s a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him.
It’s pouring rain outside and my wife is just standing there staring through the living room window.
I suppose I should let her in.
Is an argument between two vegetarians still called a beef?
(Personally, I’d call it a rhubarb. 
)
“Hey Dad, where in Italy do they eat deer meat?” he asked.
“They eat it in Venice, son.”
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. After he sits inside, the taxi driver says, “Perfect timing! You’re just like Charles.”
“Who?” the man asked.
“Charles,” said the driver. “He was a man who did everything right. Like my coming along at the exact moment when you needed a cab. It happened to Charles every time.”
The passenger man smiled politely. “Surely not every time.”
“It always happened to Charles. And he was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. And not a bad voice, either! He sang. He danced without caring what anybody thought. Oh, and you should have heard him play the piano! And he was good with a guitar!”
“Sounds like he was really special!”
The driver went on. “He never forgot a family member’s birthday or a friend’s. He knew about wine and beers, the best foods to order. Although, he could make a lot of it at home, as good as any chef.”
“Sounds nice,” said the passenger.
The driver continued. “And Charles knew how to treat a woman and make her feel appreciated. He would never talk back, even if he thought she was wrong. And his clothing was always nice and neat. Clean shirt, his hair combed, wherever he went.”
“Wow, some fella!”
“And he never complained about going to visit his wife’s family or hosting parties. Everyone was always welcome in Charles’s home! If someone was in trouble, he welcomed them with open arms. And he could fix so many things around the house. No need to call a plumber or a carpenter if Charles was around!”
The passenger, not actually believing all of this, politely said, “Amazing. You were very fortunate to have someone like Charles in your life.”
“Well, I never met Charles myself.”
“Oh,” said the passenger. He hesitated. “Then how do you know so much about him?”
The cabbie sighed. “I married his damn widow.”
We own chickens. There is no such thing.
I watched The Wrecking Crew! last night. The last lines:
What do you call a trombone player with a pager?
An optimist.
What’s a pager?
Someone who believes in the old gods but that’s not important now.
An avid reader.
mmm
How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?
He’s force fed.
Where do you weigh whales?
At the whale weigh station.
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
What is Santa’s favorite Las Vegas attraction?
Cirque du Sleigh
I got arrested for indecent exposure.
They’ve sent me to the Small Claims Court.
I thought he went there for the ho ho ho’s.
Pet shop owner: Wanna buy a bird? They’re going cheap.
Me: I know how birds work.
What fruit enjoys going down waterslides?
A kiweeeeeeeeee