A watermelon
How do you surprise a pumpkin?
You catch them off gourd.
Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire.
It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat.
Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?
Because her algaebra didn’t hold up.
I got a voting booth to decorate my house today.
it really polls the room together.
Fruit Loops is putting marshmallows in their cereal like Lucky Charms.
I guess Toucan play that game.
Wouldn’t that be, like, saying a human enjoys going down a blood slide? 
You don’t?
Can’t say I’ve tried it since way back long ago on Prom night, and I didn’t enjoy it very much then.
My date, though, she really hated it.
What was the earthquake’s punishment?
It was grounded.
Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.
Because actions speak louder than words.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s bad for the environment.
Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity…
Well, her exact words were “time and distance” but I knew what she meant.
Grandma yells across the room: “Billy, what’s the name of that German guy who drives me crazy?”
“It’s Alzheimer, grandma”.
I tried making a career out of being a mime years ago, but it wasn’t for me.
One day I realized I was just going through the motions.
An amazing thing! I just saw a dead centipede, 100 feet in the air.
Kid on the playground started charging the younger kids a quarter to tie their shoes for them.
It was a knot-for-profit business.
They made a bunny Transformer.
Yup, that’s Hop-timus Prime.
In the course of time, Donald Trump passed away, and he was buried at Mar-a-Lago.
A man in New York went to LaGuardia airport and approached the ticket counter. “I want to go and piss on Donald Trump’s grave,” he said. “Very well, sir,” replied the agent, handing him a slip of paper. “One ticket for the next flight to Los Angeles.”
“Wait, no. Trump is buried in Florida !” said the man. “Yes, sir,” the agent told him, “but Los Angeles is where the back of the line is at the moment.”
Don’t worry about AI. One of these days, AI will tell a woman she is wrong and that will be the end of AI.
A married couple claimed they never had an argument in 25 years.
When a friend asked how it was possible, the husband told this story:
On our honeymoon, we went to a ranch for horseback riding.
My wife’s horse bucked and threw her off. She got up, patted the horse, and said, “That’s one.”
A little later, the horse bucked her off again. She got up, patted it, and said, “That’s two.”
When the horse bucked her off a third time, she pulled out a gun and shot it.
Shocked, I yelled at her, “Are you out of your mind? You just killed the horse!”
She looked at me calmly and said, “That’s one.”
From that day on, we never had another fight
I think one day the aliens will arrive,
and look at all the devestation and the signs that say “Jesus Is Coming!”, and just assume that he ate us.
