More Jokes

How much wind could a windbreaker break if a windbreaker could break wind?

I stopped to eat at the strangest restaurant the other day. Each cut of beef was suspended from strings attached to the ceiling. I decided not to eat there, though. The stakes (steaks) were too high.

Am I late to the author pun party?

‘Collagen Injection Techniques for Wrinkle Removal’ by Phil McCraken.

Confucius say, “Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.”

99 more

I wear lounging pyjamas when I lounge.
I hear a smoking jacket when I smoke.
I’ve just put on my windbreaker.

I just heard Marvel is releasing a surprise super hero movie with a healthy eating angle on it, the hero had a radiation accident when working on a so called super food and now is made entirely of Kale.
It’s called the Inedible Hulk

I managed a straight face , and a little more embellishment and got my eldest son with that one, who is normally good at detecting an incoming bad joke, many stolen from this thread.

What does Bond’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it’s white and settles on their land.

Don’t use Viagra if you’re also taking an iron supplement.

You’ll spend several hours facing north.

Q. How much does it cost for Tom Brady to get his ears pierced?

A. A buck an ear.

Why was the ground white at Custer’s Last Stand?
The Indians (Lakota, Cheyenne, and Arapaho) kept coming and coming.

^^^ That’s nearly as bad as the “What do you do if you see a crash (collective noun!) of elephants coming towards you…?” joke.

How does a nonbinary samurai kill his enemies?

They slash them.

What do evil cows say?

Moo ha ha.

The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name for his invention.

Finally he put tu and tu together.

So General Custer’s wife goes to an artist and asks the man to draw her husband’s final words.

A few days later, she returns to the artist. The painting he’s made consists of several piles of manure that have halos, and a group of Native Americans that appear to be having sex.

Irate, she yells at the artist. “I asked you to paint my husband’s final words!”

“Ma’am,” the artist says, “General Custer’s final words were ‘Holy shit, look at all those fucking Indians!’”

Did you hear that [poorly performing sports team that you want to deride for collapsing] are moving to the Philippines?

Their new name: The Manila Folders

(May have originated with Cubs collapsing in 1969, with the Mets passing them)

A business partner swindled me out of eleven bottles of bourbon. I went to my lawyer so I could sue the rat fink, but the lawyer said he couldn’t help me. ‘Eleven bottles don’t make a case.’

What do you get when you play a country western record backward?
You get your job back, you get your wife back, you get your truck back, you get your dog back…

According to one site, some actual C&W song titles:

Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

I Can’t Love Your Body If Your Heart’s Not In It

I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal

Dozens more here

That first one is a song by Kinky Friedman & The Texas Jewboys.

So many of these so-called jokes are just horrible word play/puns. That’s not a real joke IMHO.

I don’t get this one

Not a C&W song, but there is also the Dan Hicks classic “How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?”

Limerick time.

The chap in 344
Shan’t pee in the pool anymore.
Sounds silly to some,
But not when it’s done
From his balcony on the third floor.

There once was a man from DeVises
Whose balls were of two different sizes.
One was so small
It was no ball at all,
But the other won numerous prizes.

There was an old man from Berthold
Who drank his beer in the cold.
As he lifted his cup,
Oh, snap! You’ve been Limerick Rolled.