More Jokes

A doctor saw a man named John,
Who was told he’s a leprechaun.
But John had misheard
The end of that word.
Now his arms and legs are both gone.

A Nordic-theme brothel in Leeds
Fulfills Scandinavian needs.
Its clients are legions
Of Finns and Norwegians
And Danes and Icelanders and Swedes.

She said, " I’ve written a limerick for you."
I said, "hey, wait. Isn’t that first line, like, too long by two?
And that’s long by six!
What is this, some trick?
Oh, never mind. I’ll always love you. "

There was a young ensign named Gates
Who liked fighting swords with his mates
But one slash of a cutlass
Left the man nutless
And virtually useless on dates.

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass;
Not rounded and pink,
As you probably think –
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.
He said, “Oh my love,
It fits like a glove.”
Said she, “But you’re not in the right ‘un.”

There once was a young man from Perth,
Who tried to get in his girl’s skirt.
He said “Do you fear
a prick?” She said “Dear,
It’s not the prick I fear, it’s the squirt.”

There once was a man from Peru
Whose limericks never went past line two

There once was a man from Verdun

There’s the limerick about the Emperor Nero, but unfortunately we can’t logically say it.

There once was a man from Nantucket…

A sailor whose name was MacPhee
Would spoonerize to a degree
Instead of “Weigh anchor!”
He’s shout out “A wanker!”
And he’d say that his name was FuckMe

There once was a lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in a lake
Then a man in a punt
Stuck a pole in her ear
And said “You can’t swim here - it’s private”.

AsTitian was mixing Rose Madder
His model was perched on a ladder.
Her position, to Titian
Suggested coition.
So he hopped up the ladder and had 'er.

Too late now, but I think limericks are their own class of ‘jokes’ and should have their own thread. But the (Kilkenny) cat is out of the bag.

On the chest of a barmaid from Wales
Was tattooed all the prices of ales
Whilst on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was precisely the same, but in braille

These are all probably too well known to mention, but…

A young gay man in Khartoum
Invited a lesbian to his room
And they spent the whole night
In a terrible fight
Over who should do what and to whom

An Argentinian gaucho named Bruno
Said there is one thing I do know
A girl is just fine
But a sheep is divine
And a llama is numero uno

Then there is the absolutely clean one:

The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called the hen a most elegant creature
The hen, hearing that
Laid an egg in his hat
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.

At this point I think someone needs to open a joke thread.


A break from the limericks:

Confucius say: Paris man who fall into river, in Seine.

Confucius say, man who lose key to girlfriend’s apartment, get no new key.

I took my ugly dog to the park. A lady asked me, “What kind of dog is that?”

I said, “It’s a Barques Canardly”

She says she never heard of that breed.

I said, “It ain’t a breed. If it weren’t for the Barks, Can hardly tell its a dog!”

  1. What rock group has four men that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

  2. Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?"

  3. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Did you hear that there’s now a Nobel Prize in Agriculture?
They gave it to a farmer who was outstanding in his field.