I’m outstanding in my field, because it’s too long to walk to the outhouse.
A man owned a small farm in Saskatchewan. The government claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the bureaucrat.
“Well,” replied the farmer, "there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board.
There’s the cook/housekeeper she has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300 per week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18-20 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
The bureaucrat says, “That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit.”
The farmer replied, “You’re talking to him” .
Two aliens are in a flying saucer, plummeting toward the ground. “Think!” one of them says to the other. “Four heads are better than two!”
Confucius Say jokes are racist. Don’t do them.
From my younger days…
Q: What does Batman do first thing in the morning?
A: He gets up, puts on his Batrobe, and goes to the Batroom.
Q: Who is the best fighter in the world?
A: Ex-lax. He can pound the sh*t out of Superman.
Brilliant!!
Two lumberjacks are having a conversation.
One of them says “You know, I can cut wood just by looking at it!”
The other replies “That’s not possible! I don’t believe you!”
The first says “I know, that it’s hard to believe, but I’m telling you! I saw it with my two eyes!”
When one door closes, another one opens
I’m not a very good carpenter…
Come up with a clever quote and your name will live on forever.
– Anonymous
This is the story of Anna Lee,
who kissed here lover by the sea.
The sunset was orange.
And…and…DAMMIT.
And that was the story of Anna Lee.
In Athens, no one wakes up before noon.
Dawn is tough on Greece.
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
-1 beer.
“qwertyuiop” beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
Interviewer: “Why do you think you are qualified to work as a psychologist?”
Me: “Well, why do you think I’m qualified to work as a psychologist?”
Interviewer: “You’re hired.”
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?
none.
If being stupid came with pain, all hospitals would be full.
Oh, wait…
Wonderful — a succinct portrayal of the difference between the human brain and computers.
As I posted elsewhere a couple/few months ago, I discovered the odometer on my 2005 Prius stopped counting at 299,999 miles. Why the hell would a programmer do that?
Werewolf: Knock, knock.
Frankenstein’s Monster: Who’s there?
Werewolf: Ahh.
Frankenstein’s Monster: Ahh who?
Werewolf: Werewolves of London!
Charlyne Yi has a good knock knock joke.
A police officer clocks a car doing 24mph on a highway. He pulls the car over and there are two old ladies in the car. He asks why she is driving so slow.
“The speed limit here is 24” she says.
“No, you’re on Route 24, the speed limit is 55”
He looks more closely at her passenger and she appears to be completely paralyzed.
“What’s wrong with your passenger?” he asks
“She’ll be ok, she’s still a bit scared, we just got off of Route 119”
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob everyone.
I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I’m okay.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .
My gondolences
What is a Buccaneer?
Too high a price for corn.
How and why?