More Jokes

I believe that is a joke due to the two ways it can be read. Here is the statement recast to emphasize the two ways:

“Confucius Say” jokes are racist. Don’t do them.

Confucius says jokes are racist. Don’t do them.

I meant it the first way; pardon the ambiguity.

Serendipity: The ambiguity made a new joke!

Have you heard about the blind carpenter?

He picked up his hammer and saw.

Why does 10 have PTSD?

Because it was in the middle of 9 11.

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

An ego and a superego walk into a bar

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id”

Excellent example of “Joke that works in print but can’t be told verbally.”

One of my favorites is like that:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world…
Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

Great t-shirt, horrible joke (whatcha gonna do? The second you say ‘Ten’ it’s not binary. If you say One-Zero? Then you sound weird…)

I always heard it as

“I see” said the blind carpenter, to his deaf wife, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

I went swimming with my banker, and soon I was able to float alone.

That reminded me of one…

Heisenberg and Oppenheimer go on a road trip together. Heisenberg is driving down the freeway. Oppenheimer glances over at the speedometer and says, “hey slow down, you’re going 90 mph”.

Heisenberg says “great, thanks a lot, dumbkopf! Now I have no idea where I am”.

Heisenberg and Schrödinger go on a road trip together. They were speeding and were pulled over. The cop says, 'Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg says, ‘No, but I know what direction I was going.’

Finding the answer odd, the cop decides he’d better search the car. When he looks in the trunk he finds a box with a dead cat in it. He says, ‘Do you know there’s a dead cat in a box in your trunk?’ Schrödinger says, 'I do now! :rage:

I haven’t found it on youtube but as I recall, Jeffrey Ross’s bit went something like this.

"I’d like to read you a poem I wrote titled, ‘Sometimes I Miss Her.’

I ran into my ex-girlfriend last night.
So I dropped it in reverse and ran into her again.
Sometimes I miss her."

It’s the showstopper here.

"The Stately Progress of the Drinker

The stately modern measurement of inebriation is the Ose system.
This has been considerably developed over the years, but the common medical consensus currently has jocose, verbose, morose, bellicose, lachrymose, comatose, adios.

from The Horologicon by Mark Forsyth

Mrs Schrodinger comes home, takes a look around and marches up to her husband. “Erwin, what the hell have you been doing to this cat? It looks half dead.”

Bad taste warning:

What’s the difference between camphor and Rophynol?

Vic’s Vapo-rub vs prick’s rapo drug.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Depends. How many can you afford?

What’s the difference between a lawyer and sperm?
Sperm has a shot at becoming a human being one day.

[This one is my favorite]
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

Why don’t sharks bite lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Why do they bury lawyers 8 feet deep?
Because deep down, they’re decent people.

Why have they started using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?

  • there are more lawyers than rats
  • some people actually like rats
  • there are some things that a rat just won’t do

What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Why are optometrists so bad in bed?
Because they’re constantly going “Is it better like this, or better like this? 1…or 2?”

Why does New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps and New York have the most lawyers?

New Jersey got first pick.