My fiance left me at the altar…
Turns out she wasn’t as into human sacrifice as I was.
Why can’t you use “beef stew” as a password?
Because it’s not stroganoff
My doctor diagnosed me with leprosy.
LMAO
Customer: I’d like to open up a joint account.
Bank Teller: I can help you. With who?
Customer: Whoever has the most money.
Customer: I wanna open up a fucking account.
Teller: I can help you but please watch your language.
Customer (louder): Just open a fucking account for me!
Teller: Sir, please, we do not allow obscenities here.
(manager walks over)
Manager: Is there a problem here?
Customer: Yeah, I just won $5 million in the lottery and I want to open a fucking account.
Manager: And this bitch is giving you a hard time?
A friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese. It’s the Wurst Käse scenario!
What do you call a guy with leprosy in a hot tub?
Stu.
The Pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
The Optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
The Realist sees the approaching freight train.
The Train Driver sees 3 idiots about to get run over…
What do you get when you cross a church with a laser tag arena?
Pew! Pew! Pew!
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
No, Who’s on first.
Nice!
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Fortification.
Fortification who?
Fortification, I’m going to Florida.
(apologies to Don Redman).
This is my favorite new joke.
A couple have been married for 50 years, and in all that time they’ve been madly in love. They bought a house, raised two great kids, shared everything - except, for as long as they were together, he insisted she never open his top dresser drawer.
And for 50 years, she’s respected his wishes. It’s been a great life; if he wants this quirk, let him have it.
But, it’s been nagging her. And finally, after all this time, she can’t help herself. She walks into the bedroom and opens the secret drawer she’s avoided all these years.
Inside are 2 golf balls and $7,000 cash.
What is this, she thinks? All this time, and this is what I find? Why the secrecy? Why the golf balls and cash?
So, she confronts him. And he lowers his head when she does. Finally, after a deep sigh, he speaks.
“My love. Fine: I’ll confess. In all our years together, whenever I was unfaithful, I put a golf ball in that drawer.”
At first, she’s shocked. But, 50 years has been a long time. He worked a lot when the kids were first born. Things do happen.
“Okay, okay,” she says. “I can see my way to forgive you. But, honey, why was there also $7,000 in there?”
With that, he looks up and smiles.
“Oh, that. Well, every time I got a dozen golf balls, I sold ‘em!”
- Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace
- Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker .
- 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMM-Good
A few more here:
Attending to Your Master’s Requests by Mahatma Kane Jeeves
Reminds me of an old classic:
“My wife and I took separate vacations this year. I went to Vegas, and she went to an island in the Caribbean.”
“Jamaica?”
“No, she wanted to go.”
A married couple have been having problems. One day, she comes home and starts furiously packing her bags.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“I’m finally leaving you. I’m heading to Las Vegas. I just learned that you can make $1,000 for a night of sex in Vegas. Im going to live the high life.”
At that point, he grabs his suitcase and starts packing his clothes, too.
“What are you doing?!” she asks.
“I’m going to Vegas, too,” he says “Because I want to see how you’re going to live the high life on 3 grand a year.”
So classic, it became the title of a Led Zeppelin song (their one, rather misguided foray into reggae).
That reminds me of one…not a merger but another Texas company joke.
Nieman Marcus is often referred to as “Needless Markups”
There was a pricey convenience store near my brother…Country Market. Everybody called it Country Markup.
There was a newspaper called “The Beacon News” that we referred to as the “Be Confused.”
Las Vegas is of course Lost Wages.
I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches.
She said “suture self”.
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 100?
When she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
I have an inferiority complex
But it’s not a very good one
I finally got around to throwing my vacuum cleaner out - after all, it was just gathering dust.
There is a hockey team called the Toronto Make Believes.
Q: What’s a skeleton’s favorite board game?
A: Tibial Pursuit.
Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they like to eat the fingers separately.
Q: What do you call six witches in a jacuzzi?
A: A self cleaning coven.
Q: Why don’t you ever have an unexpected pregnancy when dating a vampire?
A: Because they can’t come inside without asking permission.