Skeleton walks into a bar, and says “Get me a beer…and a mop.”
Puns about poop aren’t my favourite, but they’re a solid Number 2.
This, however, is not a joke: It really happened:
David Blood and Al Gore teamed up to form an asset management company specializing in companies that promote zero carbon emission products.
To be called Blood And Gore Enterprises, of course.
(Okay, that’s not really what they are going to call it.)
Why did the non-binary prospector travel West in 1849?
Because there’s gold in them/their hills
How many Grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb?
Too
I’ve just found out my wife is really a ghost.
To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.
Love it!
Made my day! It’s not even 11am!
How do you console a grieving grammarian?
There, their, they’re.
Do you guys remember the chiropractor joke I told you recently?
Come on. It was about a week back.
Have you heard the story about the three wells? No? Well, well, well…
What’s the difference between a middle-eastern orphanage and a terrorist training facility?
Just pilot the drone, soldier, aren’t you an American?!
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch!”
What’s the difference between a crow and a raven?
A Raven has 17 feathers at the end of it’s wing, these feathers help with flight and are known as pinion feathers. Where the Raven has 17 of them a Crow only has 16 of these feathers.
So the difference between a Crow and a Raven is a matter of a pinion.
Harley-Davidsons always make me hungry. We’ll be at a stop light, and the Harley will be going ‘Potatopotatopotatopotato…’
How can you know a Harley-Davidson from a Spanish-speaking country? [Rev the throttle and let it off] ‘CABRON! Putaputaputaputa…’
“Car Talk” was on NPR for many years. At the end they always gave credits. For example, their legal representation was the firm of “Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.”
These:
| Back Seat Driver | Veronica Lizzioncourse |
|---|---|
| Back Seat Driver II | Mischa Turnov |
| Bad Joke Interpreter | Nadia Geddit |
| Bail Bond Provider | Freida Gogh |
and dozens more here:
I saw an office window high up in an old building on Harvard Square, with a vintage-style painted company name on it:
. Dewey,
Cheatem
& Howe
I looked it up on Google Maps… yep, it’s the office of Car Talk!
I’d always heard Boyd, Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe.
But there were only three names on the window. It was a true story.
I replayed the end of a car talk episode, and in the credits they claim their legal team is Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.
A guy asked a girl in a university library…
…"Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, “NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, “I study law, and I know how to screw people.”
What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What does a chimney cost?
Nothing, it’s on the house.
I knew someone who referred to Meijer Thrifty Acres (one of the first grocery/general merchandise superstores) as “Shifty Takers”.
I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time
I think I’ve forgotten this before
A spider ran onto my keyboard
It is under control
A lady came into my bookstore and asked,
“What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”
Slim to nun?
What do you call an explosive monkey?
A Baboom!
They say what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger
But nothing has killed me yet and I seem only to get older and fatter.
What is the opposite of lady fingers?
Mentos.
What do you call a grenade on your kitchen floor?
Linoleum blown apart.