More Jokes

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane.

At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane.

The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.”

“Actually there are two left. Donald Trump took my backpack.”

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback

absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He’s played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey…

But he never made it as a wise man.

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory

What kinds of ogres are there?

Three: the good, the bad, and the medi-ogres.

The way I heard this joke (decades ago, with a different politician) was ‘[Politician] grabs the first parachute and says as he jumps out of the plane, “I’m the smartest man in the world! I have to live!”’ The punchline is, ‘The smartest man in the world just jumped with my backpack.’

Yes, political jokes get recycled every administration.

I remembered this one after making some ham and bean soup over the weekend.

Q. Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their bean soup?

A. Because if you added one more it would be too farty!

What happened to the man who stole the Advent calendar?

He got 25 days.

A gingerbread man went to the doctor complaining of a sore knee.

The doctor asked, “Have you tried icing it?”

What’s the Grinch’s least favorite band?

The Who

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since “pound metoo” would’ve been sending the wrong message

What’s the difference between a microwaved sweet potato and a ham thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

I was hanging out with my schzophrenic friend and all of a sudden he burst into fits of laughter

I asked what was so funny and he said “you wouldn’t get it, it’s an inside joke”

You’d have to be of a certain age to get this one:

Ten bees were flying together when they ran out of gas. Nine bees flew to an Esso station to get gas. One flew to an Arco station. What does this prove?

Nine out of ten bees are Esso bees.

Speaking of bees…

Why did the bee put on a yarmulke?

It didn’t want to be mistaken for a WASP.

There’s a similar UK running-out-of-petrol (gas) joke… i can’t remember it, but the punchline
was bee pee. (ie, BP - British Petroleum).

I told this one at work today and it killed!

Two chickens are sitting in the barnyard.

One says, “Bawk! Bawk!”
The other says, “Bawk! Bawk!”
One says, “I can’t believe we haven’t come up with a new sound.”
The second says, “We have to think outside the bawks.”

I heard it with Nixon, Kissinger, a priest and a hippie. Kissinger has the “I;m the smartest man in the world, I have to live!” line. The elderly priest urges the young hippie to take the remaining chute, and the hippie has the “That’s OK, father…” line.

What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

Why are there not more dog astronauts?

They’re afraid of the vacuum.

Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally?

Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?


Doffs hat

Well played sir

Back in my Montana days we had a similar joke printed on a card. The front side of the card said “How do you keep a North Dakotan busy? (over)” and the back side of the card said “How do you keep a North Dakotan busy? (over)”.

I got a million North Dakotan jokes. Y’all remember my “ice fishing” joke, right?

How do you know which side is the front and which side is the back? :stuck_out_tongue:

Dear Santa…

All I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a slim body. Please do not mix it up like last year.

I quit my job at the helium factory…

… I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

What did the sushi say to its fiance?

You make miso happy.

For a long time nobody bought records

Then the tables started to turn

Funny because it’s true?

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned it all around…

Having lived in Minot for three years, I heard a bazillion “Ole and Lena” jokes. Uffdah, I forgot 'em all, though. Got a couple for my hip pocket?