More Jokes

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless…

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

If there is casual sex, there also must be formal sex.

Ah. Yes. Ah. Ah. Ah. Quite.

I shot my first-ever turkey for Thanksgiving this year.

Sure scared everyone in the grocery store, though.

Complaining about how dull it was, a contestant on a cooking program said, “That knife they gave us couldn’t even cut a fart.”

This looks like a turd on fire, not a turkey.

That’s Mr. Hankey’s cousin, Mr. Turdkey.

Husband: “After what my boss said to me today, I don’t think I can work for him anymore.”
Wife: “What did he say?”
Husband: “You’re fired.”

I was going to cook alligator for dinner but all I had was a croc pot.

My body used to be a temple. Now it’s a combination liquor store and Tex Mex restaurant.

A new survey found

that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” — Jimmy Fallon

What sound does a turkey with one leg make?

Wobble, wobble!

What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn’t open.

He said you’re jumping to a conclusion.

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

“How on earth are you a free man?” I asked him.

“Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician” he said.

I’m not going to eat Thanksgiving leftovers anymore.

This year, I’m quitting cold turkey.

What do you get if a dinosaur kicks you in the backside?


I was wondering why my printer made music.

Turns out it was just jamming.

The Detroit Lions visit an orphanage in Mexico

“I was devastated to see the lack of hope on their poor little faces”, said Pedro age 8.

You owe me a new keyboard.

  1. Cashtration (n.):

The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

  1. Ignoranus:

A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

  1. Intaxication:

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

15 more here:

A recent study has determined that women who carry a few extra pounds live longer than the men who mention it to them.

What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones and the people in Abu Dhabi do.

People say that being a waiter isn’t a great job

But hey, It puts food on the table!

“How was your blind date?”

A college student asked her 21 year old roommate.

“Terrible!” The roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

“Wow! That’s a very expensive classic car. What’s so bad about that?”

“He was the original owner.”

There were two cows in a field.

One said “moo”, the other one said “I was going to say that!”

Eruditz: A philosophy professor who can’t figure out how to work the copying machine. (John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va., 2007)

Skilljoy: The would-be friend who’s a bit better than you at everything. (Steve Fahey, Kensington, Md., 2008)

Sparadigm: A model panhandler. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, 2009)

More in WaPo

Reminded me of a blind date joke…

A young college man meets his blind date and is very pleased at how attractive she is, though she’s not very talkative. He takes her to a local carnival in town, they go on a few rides, eat a couple corn dogs and share a cotton candy, then he asked her what she wanted to do next.

“I want to get weighed” she says. So he takes her to the “Guess your Weight” booth, and the guy running it guesses wrong enough that she wins a prize. Then they go on a couple more rides, share an elephant ear, and he asks her what she wants to do next.

“I want to get weighed” she says again. He thinks it’s pretty strange, but he takes her back to the “Guess your Weight” booth, where the puzzled guy running it remembers her weight, so no prize.

After that the guy thinks she’s a little odd, so he just takes her back to her dorm room. Her roommate Laura asked her how her date went.

“Oh Wauwa, it was tewwibah!”

A mother tells her husband they need to take their daughter to a psychologist. ‘Why?’ asks the father. ‘She wants to lose all of her hair!’ mom replies. 'What makes you think that? ‘I overheard her on the phone saying she wants to be bald soon!’

Note: Actually, 9W is a highway in NY State.

What is the question to which 9W is the answer?

Do you spell your name with a V, Herr Wagner?

Wouldn’t he say Nine-Vay?

Q: Where is Walla Walla?
A: Somewhere between Ting Tang and Bing Bang.

Guy goes to the supermarket, and sets his purchases down on the conveyor belt for the cashier to scan. As she does so, she comments, “you must be single.”

“Wow,” he says. “You can tell that from me buying beer, a frozen pizza and some cat food?”

“No,” she answers. “It’s because you’re fucking ugly.”

What’s the difference between Hanukkah and a dragon?

Hanukkah is always eight nights.

A dragon sometimes ate knights.

How do you say “No TV” in Russia?


If the number 666 is considered evil

25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider?

My son’s drawing of a snake.