I heard a meaner version of this joke, where the other three children were described as beautiful and talented, but Johnnie was described as ugly as sin and incompetent at everything he did. The father on his deathbed says “Johnnie can’t be mine, right?” “Sorry honey, Johnnie’s the only one who is yours.”
Well, the last line there was implied in mine.
After he had finished and got up to leave, the bartender asked, ‘What about the bill?’
‘I have already paid,’ he replied and left. Soon after, another man came in. He, too, ordered a drink, drank it and left saying that he had already paid.
The third customer came in. As he was drinking, the bartender told him, ‘Before you two men came here, they ordered drinks and left, telling me that they had already paid. What do you think about that?’
‘Stop arguing and give me my change,’ the man said.
His wife said, “What’s the problem?”
He said, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.”
She said, “So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives.”
He said, “I know, but he only gave me four pills.”
I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Reminds me of one of the most famous sledges in cricketing history:
Rod March to Ian Botham: “How’s your wife and my son?”
Ian Botham to Rod Marsh: “Wife’s fine. Boy’s an idiot.”
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the same side.
An elderly man goes to the doctor. He says, ‘Doc, I can’t seem to pee!’ The doctor asks, ‘How old are you?’ The man replied, ‘I’m ninety-seven.’ The doctor says, ‘You’ve peed enough.’
Doc: I’m very sorry to tell you, but you only have a very short time left to live.
Patient: Oh my God, how long do I have left?
Patient: 5 what? Months, weeks, days?
What am I missing here?
(The absurdity that the explanation given was very close to the actual words spoken at the time.)
A brothel sprout.
I really need to borrow some chairs from you.
The Kama Sutra is more specific.
That has to be the ultimate rejection.
Hand him your tampon and ask him which period it’s from.
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
A lot of clueless guys think that they’re so good in bed that they can convert a lesbian to straight.
I don’t know about that, but I’ve turned a lot of straight women gay.
(Next time you’re chatting in your garage)
“This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.”
Difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Last sound a pubic hair makes before it hits the ground? Ptui (spitting)
If orange juice + vodka = screwdriver, prune juice + vodka =?
A Russian, an American and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”
He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The American says, “That’s nothing.”
He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The British admiral says, “That’s nothing. Sailor, come here."
The mate comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."
The mate looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”
The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."
That’s brilliant, I just took a picture of my step ladder and sent it to my daughter with that one.
The devil is in the details.
“Where am I, God?”
“What??? But I killed Hitler!”
“Yeah but you also killed the guy who killed Hitler.”
A Lucy Fir
Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.
Also, my IQ test came back positive
The professor looks at him sternly and asks the question: “Imagine you are sitting on a train and you get warm. What do you do?”
“I open the window.” "
And that brings us to the first question. The window has a size of 1.25 m². The train is traveling at 120 km/h. The flow coefficient is 1.37. Calculate the negative pressure in the area of the window." The student starts sweating and stuttering. Eventually, he is dismissed.
As he leaves the room, he still stammers to the next person, “No matter what, keep the window closed.”
I love how meta this joke is.
Does that mean you saw it on Facebook ?